A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 4

TW: suicide.

I get the news late one afternoon. Caspian and I are walking through the public square where the Games are being shown live, carrying baskets of fish. I think that I know as soon as I arrive at the plaza. But I don't want to believe it.

Heads turn as I pass. Whispers shoot through the crowd. Hands reach out to grab mine. I ignore them and speed up. Pretend that I can't hear, see or feel them. That I don't know them.

But when Caspian's voice rings out, my body halts, though my eyes stay glued on my feet. He places his hand on my arm and I finally look up. First at him - my stomach drops at the look in his eyes - then at the giant screen.

The giant screen where they are showing my sister dying. All that is distinguishable is her face, the rest is hidden by the flames. Her bright eyes, lined with dirt and ashes. District 4 has one eye on me and the other on the screen. I watch numbly.

"I love you, Sapphire. Live. Be happy."

My sister has always been calm, never losing her temper or raising her voice. But even she can't get the words out without screaming, the pain visible in every look, every movement, every breath.

Then the smoke hides her completely, and the full force of what is happening hits me. I let out an ear splitting scream and run to the screen. "TALI! HELP HER! TALISE! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!"

No one moves, not even Caspian. The next shot is my sister's remains being taken up by a hovercraft. I fall to the ground and stare at the screen. When someone puts their hand on my shoulder, I spring up and run. I hear a shout. I keep running.

Away from Caspian. Away from my father. Away from Finnick. Away from Malila and Coventina and Adrian. Towards my mother. My brother. My sister. I reach the end of a jetty that gives into deep water. I stare down at it. So easy. A step. Just a little step and some effort to stay under. It could all end. I could see my mother, my brother and my sister. So easy.

Yet something doesn't work. It takes too long to convince my leg to move where it won't find solid ground ever again. I finally lift my right foot and lean forward, closing my eyes. I can't watch. I wait to feel the cool water I love so much, the wonderful softness that will become my killer.

But no.

I am not greeted by cold water but by warm arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I relax for a millisecond, relieved. Then I have to remind myself that I actually want to jump. I want to end my life. I start screaming and kick out at the person behind me. They grunt but don't let go.

"Sapphire, stop." The voice is stern, but it also sounds like it's breaking. I pause.

The arms slowly loosen and turn me around. Caspian looks at me, still holding on. I slip out of his hands and sink to the ground.

"She's dead. She's dead. She's dead," I chant, rocking myself faster and faster. Caspian sits down but doesn't touch me. He's close, but he leaves me my space. "Dead. Dead. Dead," I sob. "She's dead!" I suddenly scream into the evening air. I scream at the water. At the sky. At the sunset. "You killed her! Snow! I'll murder you! You'll die! I hate you!"

I don't have time to tell myself to shut up. Caspian twists so that he's crouching right in front of me, his chest against my curled legs and his hand slapped over my mouth. His eyes are no longer sad, but alert and scared. After a tense moment, his hand slowly slips from my lips and his eyes stop darting around. They come to rest on mine.

"Are you insane?" he whispers. "You can't do that, Sapphire. You can't say things like that. You'll only get hurt."

I stare into his anxious eyes. Then, in a swift movement, I hug him tightly. He stiffens at first but relaxes quickly enough. He wraps his arms around me and I bury my face in his shoulder.

"What are they going to do with her?" I whisper after a minute.

Caspian sighs. "Send her back in a box."

"When?"

"End of the Games. That's when we get the coffins or urns."

I know all this, of course. But I need to be reassured that she won't spend her death in the Capitol. I owe her that much.

"Will you come with me?" I whisper. "And your parents and Malila? And maybe Finnick? To spread her ashes?"

He doesn't point out that Finnick might not return. He just nods. "Where?"

I look out to the water. The same water that we used to look out to together. Which we would never do again. Never, would I see her smiling face and bright eyes. Her expression as she wove her fishnets. Her stone face when she talked to my father. I would never hear her telling me stories about our mother. Her happy laugh as we played in the sea. I would never again smell the frangipani on her, from the flowers that grew around the edge of the jungle. I would never feel her soft kiss on my forehead as she whispered good night.

"Here," I decide quietly. "In the sea. That's where she'd want to be. Home."