Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Seventy Nine

Meredith's POV

Dr Wyatt has been increasing my leave gradually and forcing me to talk about my emotions more. I know it's not a bad thing to talk about my emotions but everytime I do, I just feel.. icky. It's like everyone is still treating me like a fragile, glass doll the more I do and I'm not sure I can handle it for much longer.

To make matters worst, it's weigh day. I have this and then I have a weekend leave with Derek and he says he has a "surprise" for me. He knows I hate surprises. I always have. My mother taught me that nothing good comes from surprises but ever since I met Derek he keeps trying to undo that engrained notion by surprising me with a birthday party, or an engagement party, or random presents. It's weird.

Nurse Ellie knocks at my door and tells me that it's time I go to the clinic, I nod and follow her out. I like Nurse Ellie, but she can be a little distracted at times. I guess all nurses can. They have so much to do and only so many hours in a shift. I shuffle in and we start doing my physical observations, while she writes them all down. She nods and smiles occasionally. I've learnt that regardless of what the numbers are, they still smile. They all do.

Now it's time for the scale.

I've been here for four months and been weighed, what feels like, a thousand times but the scales still scare me.

Nurse Ellie puts her hand on my shoulder to try to ease my robe off so I'm only in my underwear as I stand on the dreaded machine backwards. She walks over to the computer and types in the number and turns off the screen.

"I'll just be back in a second, you get put your robe back on. Don't want you getting cold."

Wait, what?!

She saw the number and now she's leaving? What's happening? Have I gained too much? I swear if they've caused me to become overweight I will flip out! Yes I've been eating and it's pretty obvious I've been gaining but am I overweight now?!

Before I know it, I'm in front of the computer and flicking the power button on to switch the monitor back on. I glaze my eyes all over the screen to find my weight.

I find it.

It automatically calculates my BMI as well.

Well, shit.

I'm not overweight but I've officially hit a healthy weight.

"Meredith? Do you think you're allowed to do that?"

I spin around and find Nurse Ellie and Dr Wyatt stood in the room. In my investigation, I missed hearing them coming into the room. Damn, I really am in trouble now. I've basically hacked into a computer.

"I.. uh, was, uh.. t-the computer was making some weird noises. I thought I'd tried to fix it."

They both looked at each other and then back at me. It was evident they didnt believe my evident lie but I couldn't tell them the truth. I begin to play with my fingers, I desperately need to get out of this room. Away from the scale. Away from the computer. Away from the evidence that I'm healthy now.

"Meredith?"

I know that voice, it's the 'make the right choice' voice. It's soft but still firm. Dr Wyatt uses it when patients aren't quite doing what she wants them to do.

"I'm healthy now." I whispered, barely audible.

I get no response.

"My BMI.. it's healthy." It's a little louder, so they can hear me this time.

"Yes, and this morning your going on weekend leave with Derek. You wasn't allowed to do that at a lower weight."

I nod, I couldn't do anything else.

"How do you feel, now you know this new information about your weight?"

Oh for God's sake. Here we go with the emotions crap. I open my mouth to answer and then I close it, realising I didn't know.

How do I describe this feeling? I feel like I have third degree burns all over my body and someone keeps touching my torched skin. I keep begging them to stop and let me rest but they don't. They just laugh at my pain and laugh at my weakness for not being able to handle it better.

"Okay, Meredith. I want you to tell me everything blue in the room."

I tell the voice everything I see that's blue. I've never noticed before but there is a lot of blue in hospitals. I look up and notice it's only Dr Wyatt left in the room.

"Nurse Ellie is just preparing your breakfast. Do you want it in your room or - "

I nod not letting her finish her question. I think I've ate in the dining room like a dozen times since I've been here. It is not a healthy environment, especially if there's a new admission.

I walk back to my room, and my breakfast is waiting for me. Thankfully, I'm no longer on supervision since two weeks ago however it still makes the urge to hide food and restrict really high. Especially today.

If I skip this meal, I know I'll be tempted to skip the next one and each one afterwards will be just that tiny bit easier to skip. I could lose weight, again. I could become superhuman, again.

Oh, but..

I also lost our baby, and I have just spent four months in a psychiatric ward. I haven't been able to work, doing the thing that I love. I've been separated from the man that I love; only being allowed to see him for a certain number of hours.

I breathed in deeply while I lifted my spoon and ate my breakfast. I needed to get back to my old life. My life before everything became dictated by what felt safe or what would help me lose more weight.

I hope you liked this chapter! Thanks for reading! The next chapter will be the last one for this story x