Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Sixty Seven

Meredith's POV

I lean up to give Derek a kiss and quickly retract to walk back to the safety of my room. 

I don't know which is a better explanation to describe how I'm feeling right now; upset that I've just ruined my first ever leave, embarrassed that god knows how many people saw me and my new fuller body whilst we was in the garden, angry that Derek thought it was a good idea to take his fat wife and parade her around public places or ashamed that I couldn't admit how I felt to Derek.

I know I need to calm down and fast but I can feel every little thing that is happening in my body. It feels like my blood is pumping around my body quicker than what it is suppose to, especially given that I'm just sat on my bed. I get up and begin to pace around my room; I need to get this anxiety out of my system. I need to do something, I wish I could of told Derek the truth. 

I'm such a moron.

Just then, Dr Wyatt walks in, immediately noticing my anxious state. I truly appreciate how she recognises that my pacing isn't an eating disorder behaviour, rather than an anxiety thing.

"Meredith, you wasn't due back for another 10 minutes. How did it go?"

I laugh, almost manically.

"How did it go? How did it go? Okay. Okay. Well, I'm fat and Derek thought it was a good idea to take me to the gardens outside because the house is too far away! Like, is he purposely trying to show me off like some sort of pig be won at the fair? And, and, I know being here is good blah blah but I'm not audience ready yet! Why.. why would he do this to me?!"

Tears are streaming down my face.

"Meredith.."

"No, don't. I know what you're going to say, it's all a challenge and these things will help in the long run but you don't understand! My first leave and I've failed! I'm a failure! Everything I do I end up failing at." I lean against a wall and slid down it.

Dr Wyatt ends up talking to me for a little while and leaves when I calm down enough to have a rational thought. As I'm not allowed my mobile phone on me while I'm in here, I ask if I'm allowed to call Derek which she agreed too.

One of the nurses brings the phone into my room and tells me that my afternoon snack will be around soon, I ask if I could have it while I'm on the phone - again this is agreed as Derek would act as the "supervisor". 

I guess complying with treatment gets you benefits sometimes..

"Um, so I should explain about earlier." I start when Derek picks up the phone.

"Are you okay, Mer?"

"This is.. um.. thing is.. you.. youtookmetothegardans."

"What's that? I didn't catch it."

Goddamnit Derek, don't make me say it again.

"You took me to the gardens. Where people could see me. My body. My bigger body. It was too much."

I could hear him take a sharp inhale, instantly feel guilty. I'm so stupid, I should never of said anything. 

"Mer, you don't have a bigger body.. you're beautiful no matter.. I just mean.."

I know what he's trying to say so I thank him and explain that I'm just about to have my snack but I'm allowed to stay on the phone with him so we begin to talk about other stuff. He tells me about a surgery he had this morning. I miss cutting. 

I miss the other kind of cutting too but, surgery is better.. kind of.

Just as I was finishing the last mouthful of my snack, Dr Wyatt returns to my room and points to the phone so I explain to Derek that Dr Wyatt has just came in.

"Can you put the phone on speaker, Meredith?"

I nod, the nerves building quick. Why did she want to talk to me and Derek, have I screwed up again? I thought I did well, I've been really trying. I know I haven't been here long but I've really tried. Oh god, what if she says I'm not allowed any leave anymore? I've failed today so there isn't any point letting me have future ones. 

With my chest raising and falling rapidly, I shakily click the button to put Derek on speaker phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi Derek. I've asked Meredith to put you on speaker phone, is that okay?"

"Uh, sure. Is everything okay?"

"I've been thinking about Meredith's anxiety around her leave since we spoke after she came back and I noticed she's just had her snack with you on the phone which confirms my plan may work."

"Right." 

I'm going through the alphabet in my head, desperately trying to not slip away in my head.

"I think it may work if we trial Meredith with one and a half hours of leave so she is able to go home, she'd have to have a snack whilst on leave. This is something we don't try with eating disorder patients until much later in their treatment so it's risky. Obviously this will only with your schedule Derek so it may not be every day."

I can feel myself come back properly, slightly amazed and a teeny bit proud that I've managed to prevent a full episode of "dissociation" by myself and without hurting myself. I should tell someone but I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or showing off.

Between the three of us, we all agree but Derek can't commit to starting tomorrow so we're doing it the day after. 

I'm so critical at the moment of my writing but I feel like this chapter is so.. bland? If anyone has any ideas of what you want to happen etc. please comment and let me know! I have a rough idea of how I'd like this to go and how to finish the story but I always love new ideas etc!! Anyway, thank you for reading, I hope you liked it!!