Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Thirteen

Meredith's POV

I wake up the next day and I feel so much better than yesterday, thank goodness! I know it wasn't a proper pregnancy scare but it was enough to scare me out of this world! It must of just been a 24 hour sickness bug, so strange..

I did my usual morning routine; get up, weigh myself, shower and dress myself. The number was lower again. I'm not happy though, I mean I am when I see the number but a spilt second later I feel awful. The competition with myself to make it lower just increases.  I'm exhausted, this routine is exhausting. It's almost not worth it. 

I make my way downstairs lazily, I'm not in a rush today as I start midday but Derek started early morning so I know I'm on my own until..

"Good morning, Meredith!"

I remember Carolyn is here..

"Morning Carolyn, I mean Ma." I say, smiling at her.

"Do you want any breakfast?.. Or are you still feeling unwell? Derek told me last night."

"I.. uh.. I.. breakfast? Yeah. It's good." My breathing becomes quicker.

"Are you okay, dear?" I lock eyes with the woman, who looks worried.

I nod my head slowly, looking around the room, tears are slowly threatening to expose me.

"Meredith?"

"I.. I can't.. do this." I stumble over to one of the stools next to the kitchen island and sit down, finally allowing myself to cry.

Carolyn walks up to me and sits on the adjacent stool, giving me the space to talk, looking more worried than before.

"I.. I've been.. I just look so big, you know? The pictures from the celebration party was humiliating. I didn't realise I had gotten big. And then.. and then it was the photoshoot pictures." I took a deep breath, bracing myself to continue.

"Then, I was feeling sick yesterday and Cris said I was pregnant and you did too and I'm not by the way, but it was like you both was just calling me fat." 

"They told me, you know, at the, when I was at the ward I wouldn't get as big as I feared and that it would settle at a natural set point, but they must of lied. They must off." I said, almost out of breath.

"And now.. now, I just don't know." I shrugged my shoulders in hopelessness.

Carolyn stood up, leant into me and gave me a deep, tight hug which caused me to sob hysterically. 

"Meredith-"

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of said anything. I'm an idiot." I try to get away from the caring arms that is wrapped around me but will not let me go.

"Meredith, thank you for telling me. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you."

She lets me go, I refuse to look at her in the eye as she continues to speak.

"Derek mentioned that you interpreted what I said as me calling you fat but I assure you, I would never call you that. You are beautiful."

I shrug, not believing the kind words.

She lifts my chin, forcing eye contact. "Meredith, have these thoughts became action? Are you restricting your food?"

Oh, shit.

"No! It's not like that.. I.."

"Don't lie to me."

I try to avert my eyes, given that I can't move my head.

"It's not like before.." My voice weak with emotion

"Meredith."

"Please. I promise. I've only lost a little. I want to be healthier." I plead.

"How much?"

"What?"

"How much have you lost?"

I tell her, reluctantly. 

I begin to open up to her and tell her how I went mad at Cristina when we went on a run because she wouldn't go on for longer and how Derek has agreed we'll both start to eat better. I tell Carolyn everything.. well almost. 

I figured she didn't need to know how easily I'm finding it to skip my meals again.

Derek's POV

I've just gotten out of a surgery when my phone rings. 

"Dr Shepherd speaking."

"Honestly Derek, check who is calling first." A familiar voice comes through the phone scalding me.

"Oh sorry, Ma. It's automatic." 

"Meredith has just left."

"Uh, yeah, her shift starts at noon."

"Will you ever let me finish a sentence, boy?" Oh, she is not happy..

"Sorry, Ma."

"Me and Meredith has been talking, or rather, she has been talking, crying more like."

"Crying? Is she okay?"

"Derek. She's been losing weight. She just broke down on me this morning. She told me that it isn't a relapse and I think I believe her but, Derek, I've never seen her like that before. She was.. it was bad, Der-bear."

My heart shatters in my chest. 

"I don't know what to do, Ma. I've promised her we're going to start eating healthier which we are, I tell her she is beautiful at every single chance I get, her body image is horrendous, her mindset has slipped. I'm worried. I know if I suggest counselling she'll get mad. What do I do?"

"Just be there for her, I guess. At least, she's talking to you. It just dawned on me, she knew exactly how much she had lost.. I thought you guys threw the scales she had out?"

My shattered heart? It's dropped now.

"We did.. She must of bought one."

I don't want to believe it.

"Ma, I think she might actually be relapsing."

Uh no, has Derek and Carolyn figured it out? What do you think? Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for reading x