Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Forty Nine

Meredith's POV

After my brief dissociation episode, panic attack and hideous admission of my true emotion, Derek still felt it was necessary that I had lunch. I kept watching him but he never said anything about how I was.. maybe he didn't hear me say that I wasn't okay. I did speak really quietly after all, although Derek is getting better all the time at being more attentive at how to handle my mind. Maybe he picked up on how quietly I spoke and is choosing to ignoring it. I can't even ask him because that's bringing it up and highlighting it in all over again.

A slightly forced cough comes from the man who I love, probably to remind me to eat the goddamn food. Tears rise to the surface once again.

I shake my head, pleading for an easier option. "Please, Derek."

"You can't miss a meal, you know how that invites unwelcome thoughts. What do you want to do?"

I want to skip the meal altogether, Derek, but you obviously aren't giving me that option! I want to be Meredith-healthy. I want to be who I was six months ago when I wasn't scared of having lunch with my husband. I want a family. I want to be thin and free. I want.. I don't know.

"Could I just have one of the snacks? Then maybe I could have another before our dinner? Is that greedy? Never mind, that's bad. That's greedy. God, I'm stupid. No wonder, I'm fat."

"Meredith, that's actually a great idea. It's a perfect compromise that we can work with until we get home and you can have a proper meal. This is not a long term solution and we'll discuss it with Dr Wyatt." His voice isn't the same as what it was a few minutes ago, it's stern and unapologetic. 

I simply nod and follow through with our agreed plan. We sit in silence as I chew and swallow my way through a snack. 

Chew.

Swallow.

Chew.

Swallow.

The weight of the world feels so heavy on my chest lately. The last 30 minutes has forced me abandon the strength I had built up in the last week.

When I finally finish, it takes so much effort to swallow. I don't want the calories in my body. I don't need it. I don't deserve Derek. I'm nothing.

"I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

It sounds hallow but I didn't want it to be. I really meant it, I loved him more than I love my own life.

Silence suffocates the room again until a knock comes at the door. Derek quickly opens the door and Bailey walks in with a sheepish-looking Wilson behind her.

I really don't want to do this today.

"Grey. Pleased to see you back, we'll have a proper chat later but I wanted to ensure this gets done." Bailey turns slightly and faces the newest fellow of the general surgery team, "Well, go on then."

"Dr Grey. The last few months I have said a few comments to you which has caused you distress. This was never my intention. I can only ever apologise and.. and I can understand if you want to pass me to a different surgeon for me to complete my fellowship." She's quiet, but the genuineness of her apology cannot be faulted. I don't know how much she is aware of my past but whatever has happened during the past 10 days that I've had off, must of been difficult for her.

I look at Derek and then look over to Bailey before asking for a chat with Wilson alone. Neither bystander was happy by they eventually agreed and left. So when it was just me and Wilson, I pointed over to the sofa. I figure that would make this feel less so.. daunting. Although now that we're sat down, nothing could prevent how daunting this actually feels.

"I meant what I said.. if you want someone else to take over my fellowship, I'd understand." Wilson breaks the silence first, maybe she isn't as stubborn as I am. If I was in her position, knowing I was in the wrong, I'd hate to speak first.

"Is that all you care about? Your position at this hospital?" Ouch, that came out a lot more harshly that I had intended.

"No, definitely not. This job and this hospital was my goal and knowing I probably screwed it up by some stupid comments."

"How.. Some of the comments made it seem like you were.."

"I'm not ill. Not like that."

"Wilson?"

She begins to fidget with her fingers as she talks, telling me of her upbringing - how she lived in her car after a string of bad foster placements. She began to hurt herself but when one of her placements found out, they kicked her out which is when she moved to hurting her thighs. Wilson went onto say that when she was a young teenager, she had a friend who struggled with food and her parents always forced her to eat. Her friend said that she would just throw up afterwards to make everyone happy, it would be the best of both worlds - made her parents happy but kept her thin. Wilson kept reaffirming that she knew she was wrong and apologised.

"Why did you say, that I was giving up being thin?"

"I.. I don't know.. I really don't know. I can't even -."

"Did you know that I was actually on a psychiatric ward for an eating disorder 5 years ago? Then day patient? Had therapy?"

Her face drop as it silently answers my question. Brilliant, so now not only have I outed myself but I've caused my fellow to pity me. Wow, today sucks.

"Dr Grey, if I knew I would never.. I'm so.. Wow, I'm so.. I never would gue-"

"Don't ever say you wouldn't of guessed, that's an insult and a trigger. I know you're going to therapy, and I'd like you to keep going because I think you could benefit from it."

She nods and we keep talking for a little while until Derek knocks to say our shift is over and Bailey would like to speak to us. 

Thank goodness, today is nearly finished!

Wilson leaves and Derek asks how I am after our private chat, I gave him a brief run down of what we said, leaving out her personal history. I'm not overly sure how I feel since talking to Wilson but I'm definitely worried about her. She sounds like she's had a tough life.

We arrive at Bailey's door and we're ushered in. Bailey's face is softer than it was earlier, she looks motherly. Bailey has definitely been a massive part of my recovery, no amount of words would amount to how much I appreciated her help back then.

"So, Grey. How was today?"

"Good." I reply instantly while Derek also replied his interpretation of the day.

"Tough." I glare at Derek, for being honest.

Bailey's eyebrow raises, as if to tell us to explain ourselves.

"It's been difficult, yes.. But I've managed. Better than I thought I would of. Maybe better than I should of.."

"Mer?"

"Baby?"

Exhaling, I continue. "I feel guilty, that I relied on Derek to get through lunch. That I still ate a snack instead of lunch when I could of easily skipped it all together. It's good that I ate and it good that I accepted help blah blah blah, but I'm nothing but a burden right now."

It bugs me when I spilt one day in this story into two chapters but I also like to write details so it gets so bulky that end up having to write two chapters. What do you prefer? Longer chapters (double this size but less frequent updates) or chapters this size (with my every other day updates)?

How did you think lunch went in the end? The chat with Wilson went somewhat smoothly, even though she messed up by saying a few things that was inappropriate. I hope you liked this chapter! Thank you so much for reading! <3