Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Sixty Five

Meredith's POV

It's been four days and I've hit a brick wall. Metaphorically, anyway.

Although, I wouldn't mind actually hitting a brick wall, while I'm driving extremely fast. Anything to get me out of this reality show that is life.

I can't take this anymore, asking to be admitted was a bad idea.

No. 

That's wrong.

Trying to get healthy in the first place.. that was a bad idea. How could I of been so stupid to think that I could of tried to introduce a healthier diet and it not trigger a relapse? Am I truly that naïve? That Stupid?

Being here will make me fat again, I know it will make me "better" but is that really worth the mental torture the process will cause? Every meal feels like it could be the end of the world and when I'm finished, I'm left hoping that the end of the world actually does appear.. even if it's just to take my away. 

I flinch when I feel a rough hand across my cheek but it's enough to bring me back reality, embarrassed that I didn't even realise that I had left. 

"Mer?"

Derek is looking at me with his big blue eyes, worry painted all through them. I try to smile at him, but it physically hurts to fake any kind of emotion that it's real. His hand still resting on my cheek, he brings his forehead to mine and we sit in silence for a minute.

"Baby?"

"I wanna go home."

A deep inhale comes from him, he must of known this was coming. 

"Der.. please! I.. I can do this at home, please. I can't stay here. Please. I'm dying here!" My voice breaking with desperation. 

He needs to understand how much it hurts to be here, but with every passing second I know that he doesn't. Instead, I ask him to stay for my session with Dr Wyatt. I see her daily so I'm pretty sure she'll be coming round any second. I have no idea how she finds the time, she had her outpatients clinic, her inpatients and any patients she sees in an emergency.. someone should talk to her about boundaries. 

When Dr Wyatt arrives, she's shocked at first to see Derek but quickly recovers and joins us in my torture room - or as they like to call it, my room. 

"Did you want a joint session today, Meredith?"

I nod, "I wanna go, I'm dying here."

"Baby, you were dying at home too." Derek whispers in my ear, almost afraid to let Dr Wyatt hear him.

"No, not like that. I mean, yes.. I was. But no." 

They both look at me confused as each other.

"Being here is helping, I hate it don't get me wrong. I hate having to eat but I know I need too so I'm doing it. But being here, my body.. it's hurts.. it's like my body is shutting down. I have nothing to do and nothing to live for while I'm here. I'm just sat in this room either fixating on what I've just eaten or my next meal. Please, I'll do day patient again or something.. just don't make me stay here." 

As hard as I tried to fight them, there was no use, the tears started to fall thick and fast. It was a waterfall from my eyes.

Derek got up and scooted closer to me to hug me tight. I held onto him, squeezing at his shirt so hard that my knuckles where turning white. Under my breath, I kept repeating "Please, let me go home."

"Meredith." Dr Wyatt speaks again; after my stream of honesty I kind of forgot she was here.

"I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with you being discharged right now -"

I burst into tears and start to hit myself. Over the last four days, I've only done this once which was on my second day so I think I've done quite well with this behaviour.

"Meredith."

"Baby."

When I calmed down enough, Dr Wyatt continues, "The last four days, you've shown so much willingness, which I truly commend you for but I can't discharge you just on that. However, there is nothing stopping you from going on leave. Say, an hour every day to start with?"

"What?"

"You can leave the ward, with Derek or another allocated person of your choosing for an hour. Not during meals times. Over time, we could build this up. It might help break up your day a little. Maybe even have two half hours. Whatever you feel is better for you."

If I was a person who hugged people, I would hug Dr Wyatt right now. I can leave the ward! Only for an hour but at least I'm not stuck in this room for the foreseeable future.

I do not like this chapter, but I felt bad for how long it's been since I've updated. I hope some of you enjoyed it at least! Thank you so much for your patience and support, lots of love xx