Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Forty Two

This chapter is a little bit more sensitive than others as it mentions suicide. Please look after yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to read this chapter. I will include a brief summery in bold at the bottom of this chapter without any of the sensitive details

Meredith's POV

I begin to stir from the deep sleep that I was in when the light around me was turned on. Why would Derek turn the light on without talking to me first? My back and neck feels really stiff. I try to wiggle a little bit but even that stung a little bit. I eventually succumb to the light and open my eyes but upon opening them, my heart rate rockets higher than what is deemed safe at the vision they settle on. 

I'm not in my bedroom. Derek was not the one who turned on the lights. He wasn't even here. 

I'm in a patient room and there is a very irritating beeping noise going off.

Cristina comes running in, quickly silences the machine that I'm attached too and holds my hand.

"Mer, it's okay. Calm down for me, yeah?"

I look around in a daze; at the machine, at the Cristina, at the hand she's holding, and at the bandages? Wait? Bandages? I have an IV in the hand Cristina isn't holding. What the hell?

My eyes dart back up to Cristina, who stands up again to silences the machine which is responding to my increased heart rate.

"What do you remember of last night?"

I look away and look down towards the end of my bed. Last night? 

Right.. I was in surgery, Bailey took over, I took a cab home.. and.. I drank some tequila.. and.. 

I don't remember..

I shake my head at Cristina and fight against my waterline holding back my tears.

"Um, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell you." Cristina actually looks nervous as she strains her neck to look through the window of the room.

"Please, I've messed up, haven't I?" My voice choking with emotion.

Cristina scoffs, I think that's my answer. She's mad at me. What did I do? I'm too scared to take a guess but I think I know.

"I came to visit you last night because I knew Derek was stuck in surgery and he told me that you was going to start trying again and I thought you'd need your person. Guess that worked out, didn't it."

She gets up and picks up a box of tissues that was on my patient desk, only to lightly throw it on my bed. 

"Good job I got there when I did."

"Please, Cris. What did I do? I remember the tequila and nothing else." I beg for more information, grasping at her hand.

"Yeah, it was pretty obvious you were drunk. You were slurring a lot. We didn't know about the pills until you seized in the ambulance."

"What?" It was barely a whisper but I knew Cristina heard it, she refused to even look at me as she carried on.

"Just as I got there, you had just.. you had.. you kept saying how you would be an awful mother like Ellis was to you, therefore you did what she did. I think I must of missed it by only a few seconds."

Oh my God. I look at my wrists, I don't want to believe it. I couldn't of.. Could I?

"I called an ambulance straight away and I saw the bottles. Why would you drink and take some sleeping tablets? You're a doctor, Mer! Do you really want to -"