Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Forty Seven

Meredith's POV

I've been off the ward now for a week and, since the appointment with Dr Wyatt me and Derek has been working better together to face my problems and work through any issues that come up through the day. Although, I did get angry with him the other day.

"Baby, are you sure this is what you want or what anorexia wants?"

I snapped my head up at him from the position I was in. I was happily nesting next to him as we was watching TV when he asked me what I wanted for lunch, to which I replied with "salad".

"I am NOT anorexic, Derek! Why would you say that? You have such a superhero complex!"

I stood up from him and was the other side of the sofa.

"Having salad three days in a row is not regular behaviour, baby."

"Don't "baby" me." I shouted at him. Increasing, getting more frustrated that he wasn't returning my volume, nor my statement.

When I had a minute to calm down, I climbed back to my previous position feeling safe enough to confess.

"I don't feel confident to have anything else for lunch."

When I spoke to Dr Wyatt about this encounter afterwards, she was curious about what it was that triggered my reaction. I hate it when she turns it around to me and asks me, when she could literally just tell me the answer. We settled on the fact that Derek had referred to me as an "anorexic". I stopped engaging with her for a little while after she said said I matched more of the symptoms of an anorexic than I did of any of the other subgroups of an eating disorder. I'm not sure what it is, I wish they'd just leave it referring to me as someone with an eating disorder rather than naming it further. I don't deserve any further justification. 

Despite this and her occasionally wrong opinions, I've asked if I could have appointments with Dr Wyatt two or three times a week and for Derek comes into one of them for a minimum for half of it. I want a future with Derek and for that, I need to be doctor-recommended healthy so I can carry a child, we can start a family and I can make Derek happy.

After everything I've done, I need to make Derek happy.

I haven't weighed myself since the day before the incident either so I have no idea what my weight is and it's really beginning to get to me, I've covered all of the mirrors that I come across in the house. I'm so thankful that Derek is so good with it, he gives me warning so I can leave the room, uncovers them when he needs to use them and then covers them up quickly.

I haven't self harmed.. well, I have but I haven't cut myself. I guess, I've self harmed by being a being a bit more clumsy. It's innocent stuff though so Derek doesn't get worried, like drinking my coffee straight after I've just poured it so I burn my tongue, having the sink water too hot so my hands sting when I put them in. Nothing too harmful but enough to serve it's purpose. I wish I knew what the purpose was. I feel awful for keeping it from Derek but at least I'm not cutting so I'm doing well.

Bailey said I can return back to work today and she's given me and Derek the provision that we're allocated the same shifts. Especially during the first week. Obviously that could be changed if we get called in for an emergency beforehand or if we get pulled into a surgery last minute but as a general rule we'll have the same shifts. I'm definitely nervous to go back, I mean everyone probably knows what happened and I dread to think how much my appearance has changed. It's definitely noticeable. Probably. No, definitely. It's definitely noticeable. What if someone says something? Who am I kidding, what if Wilson says something?

As our alarm goes off, I roll over and cuddle into Derek more, only to find he's leaning on his hand propped up on his elbow. I frown at him, curious as to why he isn't disturbed by the loud beeping that disturbing our sleep.

"Why are you watching me sleep again? It's creepy."

"You were thrashing around in your sleep. Are you okay? Are you nervous?"

I look away, I hate having to be so open about everything with him but Dr Wyatt said that keeping things to myself can increase the likelihood of a relapse, so I share my insecurities of the day ahead with Derek. After all, I might be doing semi-okay while I'm at home but that's like being sober at a substance rehab..

We go about our morning, we cheekily share a shower and even though we don't do anything particularly intimate, it still feels special. When we get downstairs, I stop in front of the kitchen and practice some deep breathing.

Okay, Meredith. Today, anxiety is high. Higher than usual, high. Work is a good place. Work is a happy place. Having breakfast means I can go to work. Remember the bridge work, you did. Work is the other side and breakfast is simply the steps of the bridge. Okay, I'm ready. I walk in and get my cereal ready. I'd never tell Dr Wyatt that her imagery work actually helps because when she first suggested it, I told her it was a load of bull but it is actually kind of useful. Especially on more difficult days, each tiny accomplishment is one step closer to the other side.

Breakfast is done. Next task? Work. Even though, it's a bigger task in time frame and energy useage, it feels so much smaller in comparison to how much mental strength it takes for each meal.

Derek threw the keys to me and said I should drive which surprised me as I haven't drove since before my accident. He keeps saying he prefers to drive as it's his way of been able to help. I'm excited that he wants me too, I love to drive. My mind is purely focused on the road and no other thoughts enters my mind. Maybe it isn't good as I miss out on my entire journey because before I know it, we've parked up and Derek is leaning over the centre console to give me a quick kiss.

"We need check in with Bailey later at the end of the shift, okay, baby?"

I nod, my eyes creating a watery barrier between me and the outside world.

"The people around you who matter knows what happened. We all love you, we are all willing to hold you up if and when you want us too."

I swear, his words comes straight out of a valentines day song sometimes.

"Thank you, Derek. I love you, will you come to my office for lunch?"

"Of course. I love you too."

"What have you packed for us?"

"Meredi-"

"No, don't tell me. I don't need to know hours in advance. I just want to know and there's a difference." I corrected myself, I attempted to sound confident but my voice let me down by it's shakiness.

So, Meredith appears to be doing well following from her stay in the psych ward. What do you think? Too good to be true or is it genuine? I really hope you liked this chapter, and as always thanks for reading x