Loosely Knotted [2/2] [✔]

Thirty Four

Meredith's POV

I'm only two days into my suspension and I'm bored out of my mind. I wonder if your hypothalamus curl up and die from boredom? If it can, it's definitely going to happy to me within these two weeks.

I miss the OR. I know I should be grateful that I can still consult and treat patients but I'm a surgeon and surgeons are suppose to cut! I mean, I guess I am cutting but not in a way that I spent 12 years training for and perfecting.

I'm in the pit, trying to keep myself as occupied as I can but without surgeries, the day feels like it's so much longer. Although, I have turned my day into a little game.. How long into the shift can I go before I'm hounded by Derek or Bailey or Arizona. 

I still can't believe I cut myself in front of Arizona, what the hell was I thinking? I don't even think I was fully aware of what I was thinking. Thankfully, she didn't flip out too much, she helped to clean up the wound and offered to stitch it up which I declined but she did tell Derek who definitely had some strong opinions on the subject. His opinions had little impact on me though, if I'm being honest I've done it several times since. It's almost been made part of my morning and evening routine. Along with weighing myself, which I've finally started to lose weight again, now I've taken back control of my intake.

It's not a big deal, if I was a little bit smaller I'd feel better, more secure within my skin. It's not a big deal. I've got this under control. Last week, when Derek was practically following me everywhere, he drew some of my blood and demanded that I have a full blood count done. It showed that everything was in normal limits but he still doesn't get it! This is about feeling healthier in myself, if that means I have to be slightly smaller than what is doctor recommended then so be it.

While I'm updating a patients chart at the nurses desk, Wilson comes up to me, she looks absolutely exhausted. She's probably using any free time she has to revise for her boards, which is day after tomorrow. I can't wait until she's my fellow, she shows a lot of potential. 

"Dr Grey, are you scrubbing in today?" She says, I could see that she's trying to muster up some excitement but her eyes look hollow. 

"Not today Wilson, or for the next 12 days."

"Why?"

Crap, I don't particularly want to open that can of worms with her. I'm not really the talking-about-emotions kind of person and from what I can gather, neither is she.

"Is this about your arms.. you know when I saw you after the miscarriage?" She lowers her voice when she reaches the end of the question.

"Something like that."

"What else is there?"

Jeez, why is she so interested all of a sudden?! Please, Wilson go back to being just a colleague who is uninterested in my life.

"The chief doesn't seem to think I'm looking after myself that well, Derek told her some stuff. It's rubbish."

"If this is about the food thing, just eat."

I turn to her to give her my whole attention. How did she even find out that the tension is around my intake? Who else has Derek told?

"Excuse me?"

"If they think you aren't eating enough, just eat. Nobody says it has to stay in your body." Wilson shrugs her shoulders while looking around, probably making sure that no one can hear her encouraging me to purge. I really should report her, or haul her up to Dr Wyatt. It might get her off my back if she can have a new project to focus on. 

Wilson keeps suggesting these things to me, it can't be normal.. can it? Unless, she actually thinks I need to do these things. Maybe she thinks I'm fat, hell I definitely got to lose some weight!

I try to divert the conversation to something patient based, it seemed to be going well and the awkward tension between us disappeared pretty quickly. Thank goodness! Unfortunately, my hiding-from-everybody-game quickly got ruined when Derek came walking up to me.

He pulls me to the side and tells me that I've got my appointment with Dr Wyatt soon and that he's going to walk me up there. Of course he is. We begin to take the stairs, we argued the entire way. Firstly, I refused to get on the elevator when we could take the stairs. When Derek realised that we might be late, he quickly agreed to take the stairs - anything to just get me to the appointment. Then I began to argue about him walking me there, I am an adult after all. I'm perfectly capable of doing these things.

As we're waiting outside Dr Wyatt's door, he gets paged. He clicks a button to decline it but when he recieved another page saying it's urgent. Derek looks at me hesitantly before apologising for leaving me and rushes off. I glance at my watch and notice that Dr Wyatt is running late as it's already five minutes past my allotted time.

I mean, if she's too busy with another patient then I shouldn't rush her, should I? It wouldn't be fair.

I spent no time deciding that I was going to leave. After all, I didn't have Derek to force me in the room and Dr Wyatt isn't here to welcome me so I slipped away and very quickly escape the floor.

As I escaped the psychiatry floor, I find Cristina a few floors below. I haven't seen her recently, well actually I've been avoiding her. After the running thing, she was the first person who feared I had relapsed but I brushed it off quickly. However, now Derek is saying the same thing. I didn't want to drag her in all of the drama that Derek seems to love creating. Unfortunately, as soon as she saw me she realised something was wrong.

"Meredith, what's wrong?"

"What? Nothing's wrong." I smile at her, praying that she believes me.

She drags me into a quieter hallway by my arm. When she let's go, our eyes meet.

"How long?"

"How long, what?"

"This relapse, how long has it been?"

"Cristina, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Your arm is definitely a lot smaller than the last time I felt it, your wearing long sleeves which you dont often do anymore, especially in the spring so I'm guessing it's hiding scars and your limping slightly so you've done something to your leg too. Your face looks gaunt and you look so tired, like seriously Mer. When did you sleep last?"

I look away and bring both arms around my body, trying to hide my body and comfort myself for yet another conversation. I need to deny everything, before she jumps on the same bandwagon as everyone else seems to be on. But I'm also touched that my person, my twisted sister, knows me enough to realise something is wrong, even when I tell her I'm fine.

"Derek thinks I've relapsed, but I really haven't. He's being so over dramatic. It's just so stressful being around him. I wanna be healthy but now I'm activity trying to be healthy, he doesn't like it."

"Do you really think he just doesn't like it? Or could it be that maybe, this idea of becoming healthier has became more obsessive and now it's borderline a relapse?"

This throws me, has it became obsessive? I mean, I don't think so but everyone around me seems to believe it has.

I think back over the last three months. I mean, I genuinely attempted to be healthier, I was trying to eat better and pick better options. How did I get from there to where I am now? It doesn't make sense but its definitely not a relapse.

"Cris, I love ya but this isn't a relapse. I hated being in that ward, being force fed and being genuinely afraid of food that I would cry just at the sight of it. I'm never going back there."

"I get that, but I guess you can't control mental illness. If it comes back, the only control anybody has is how they handle it."

This isn't a relapse, why can't people understand this? This definitely is not a relapse!

Reading this back through, I feel like loads has happened. What is Wilson doing by saying these things? Will Meredith get caught for skipping her appointment? Is she doubting the intentions behind her health kick? What do you all think? Thanks so much for reading, I hope you liked this chapter!