Bullied by Hayes Grier (AU EDITING)

Reasons I am living

Chapter 22

LISTEN TO GASOLINE BY TROYE SIVAN WHILE READING THIS CHAPTER

MAJOR SIBLING FEELS IN THIS CHAPTER (just saying)

Get this to 100 reads, 2 comments, and 2 votes for 2 new chapters. Hehe, the game starts now!

"Sure Jack, we are going to find a way, okay, we will find a way to save Keila, I just hope what you're saying is correct." I say to Jack.

"Fay, trust Jack, you might think that he can't help but trust me he can, take my advice, please." JG pleaded.

"Fine, but if we don't know where Keila went, or if we find her dead, I will legit kill myself, I would have lost to many people to stay alive. " I say, and walk off to my room.

I started thinking to myself, why should I live? I'm just taking space in this earth, why should I stay here? I don't deserve to stay.

Questions started floating in my mind, causing me to think about suicide, more and more.

"No Fay, you deserve to live, trust me" My mind is telling me.

But my heart, isn't telling me the same thing, my heart is telling me that I'm worthless, though my mind is trying to cheer me up, my heart is reality, it's the truth, I am worthless, no one even cares about me, Jack would love to get rid of me.

Thoughts started blowing up my mind like a balloon, until pop, my balloon busted, I couldn't take it anymore, and I walked to the bathroom.

SKIP THIS PART IF SELF-HARMING TRIGGERS YOU, I'll tell you when you can read again.

I took my razor, and I started with one cut.

The first one was for being dumb and leaving Keila outside without noticing she could've got kidnapped.

The second one is for taking up space on this earth.

And the third cut was for everything I put Jack up to, for all my sucky acts, for all my annoying moments, everyone wanted a sweet, innocent sister, but Jack got way worse.

OKAY YOU CAN START READING AGAIN NOW

My hands were hurting like hell, but damn, the feeling of that razor slicing my skin, it was the best.

I knew I wasn't going to put a Band-Aid on my hand, I would let myself suffer, it wasn't like Jack was going to come into my room anyway.

I just washed my hand and then unlocked the door to change my bloody shirt.

I unlocked the door to find Jack looking at the old pictures hung on my wall, of my mom and I when I was 2.

"Oh my god Fay, no, you did not just do that." Jack says. And at that moment, I knew I was busted big time. There was no going out of this.

I saw a tear drop from Jack's face.

I HATE seeing Jack cry, and now he's crying because of me, great Fay, yet another time you fucked up.

"I'm so sorry Jack, I couldn't stand it, I had to" I told Jack, tears starting to fill my eyes.

"I don't get it Fay, why? What does self-harming do? I don't understand it." Jack said.

"Jack, you will never understand it, its just the way my brain, my heart, my body functions. I'm different, I'm rare type. I think differently than everyone, my mind and heart don't tell me the same things." I explain to Jack.

"Fay, I may sound weird, but I promise you if daddy was here at the moment, he would say that mommy thought the same exact way, its true, mommy used to think the same exact way as you did, until she realized it got her no where in life, she then started living her life, getting children, working, and look, she had the best life until that stupid crash." Jack says

I started crying because I knew Jack was going to say that.

I remember being younger, and shouting at my dad because I didn't understand myself, and my dad would look me in the eyes and tell me the exact thing Jack just told me.

My dad would tell me that my mom and I had identical minds, we both didn't understand ourselves.

It really annoyed me that I couldn't understand myself, but I could understand other people.

For example, if I'm hurt, I really sometimes don't know why I'm hurt.

But if I see Jack hurt, then I could tell why he's hurt.

Sometimes, I just wish that I could be normal. But I have no new life, this is my life, if I want to improve it, then I am going to improve it, I don't need a new life to feel better, I just have to improve my own life.

I decided to write in my diary, the one that I never write in except in really bad times.

I opened a blank page, grabbed my pen and started writing

What fay wrote in her dairy

Hello Diary, It's Fay,

It seems like you are the only thing I can trust on this earth, there is no human, object, gas, anything that I trust more than I trust you.

Looking back, I had a pretty good life before mom and dad died, before we had to move into this shitty place.

The people here, they make no difference to me, they're just people, they don't do anything to harm me, and they don't do anything to help me.

I feel so; I don't even know how I feel to be honest.

It's the feeling of both sadness, and confusion.

End of diary entry

I look up and see Jack still staring at me.

"Did you not notice I was here the whole time, listening to the reasons you were cutting?" Jack said.

"Actually, I didn't really, I'm sorry that I have to put you up with all this." I tell him.

"Fay, you know, when you were in the bathroom, you said the 3rd cut was for putting me into so much trouble and not just being a normal child?" Jack said.

Oh shit, I was saying the reasons of my cutting out loud. Oops.

"Okay, number one, when have you ever put me into trouble? Huh? I think we work well as siblings, not the opposite. What makes you believe that you're putting me into so much stress and trouble?" Jack said.

"I don't actually have an answer for that Jack. I told you, my mind works differently, its just a feeling that I have, I don't know I feel worthless, I just give everyone stress and trouble, I don't do good to anyone, I don't make anyone laugh, smile, be happy, I'm just you know, an object, taking mass on this earth." I say.

I hear Jack smiling, and then he starts laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask, kind of annoyed from Jack.

"Do you not realize that you're the reason I laugh everyday? The reason I smile everyday, hell Fay, you're the reason I'm alive. I may seem like a normal teenager, you know living his life with his friends, even YOU, my own sister thinks that, but the truth is, it's only so much I can take, I'm just a human being, like you, like Nash, like Keila, like Hayes, just like everyone. And I can handle only so much till I break. A few months after mom and dad died, I really started feeling depressed, but every time I would look at you, my face would light up, I would start smiling. Thanks to you, and JG, I am alive now. So stop thinking that your putting pressure and start believing that you are the reason I am alive." Jack says, taking a sharp intake of breath.

So now, I know I have 2 important reasons I am living for:

1) So Jack can live.

2) So I can find out who killed my parents.