Veiled | JHS | ✓

Selfish Reason

An emotional pandemonium raged through Hoseok's mind despite his calm exterior. 

He couldn't believe it. He had lost control again and this time he actually hurt people and almost killed some of them. This was getting dangerous. He was turning into a monster everyone made him out to be and there was nothing he could do about it. Soon, he would gradually turn and he would lose control and he would turn into a devil and would never be himself ever again--

"Seok," Sia whispered, concerned. He clenched his fists as he looked up.

"I can put an end to all of this if only I let Namjoon take me to Hell. I'm being selfish."

"What do you mean?" Her voice prodded him gently. He bit down on his lips.

"I should stop this. Everything. And let NJ do his job. I should just go to hell."

"So... you're giving up?" She questioned softly. "After coming all this way? Just like that?"

"I-it's not that easy," he gritted out, fingers fisting so hard that his knuckles turned white, "You don't know me."

Sia breathed out a deep breath, "I may not know you or what you have been through, Hoseok. But I know that you're being a coward if you decide to give up now. You do realize that you won't ever come back if you went to hell, don't you?"

Hoseok didn't have a response. He was aware that it would be impossible to come back once he went with NJ. He knew that he may never get another chance to live but now that he stared at his fingers that were stained in red, the fingers that hurt people, the fingers that would hurt people in the future, he didn't so much know if it mattered. Did he deserve to live when he was turning into a vile monster?

"Hoseok, can't you see? We're all here for you. NJ, Adrean even if he won't admit it, Jimin, the time angel, Queen Yama, and I. We're all working on this for you." Sia placed a hand on his tensed arm making his eyes drift up to her, "And you know why that is? Because you matter too. You matter more than getting Vile One to Hell. Your life matters the most and they all know that."

"But..." Hoseok sighed. He was grateful that they were all trying but he didn't know if he deserved that treatment. Especially when he was being so selfish.

Sia seemed to have read his mind, "How's wanting to survive considered selfish, Hoseok? It's the basic human instinct of every human to survive."

Sia was right but he couldn't shake off the feeling that he could do something about it but was choosing not to do so. Because every time he hurt someone, he was doing it with his own hands. Even if they weren't originally his.

Sia must have sensed something in him. He didn't know how she did it. "Listen, you're more than just a sacrifice to the monster inside you, Hoseok. You deserve so much more. So don't give yourself up for him, Hoseok."

Hoseok didn't know what it was but something inside him broke and a wave of emotions washed over him. He was glad that he wasn't his naive persona at the moment for if he were, he would have certainly cried. So he walked away, not daring to look at Sia because he didn't know how much of this wave of emotions he could handle before he broke down as well.

"And I will never forgive you if you ever give up, Hoseok."

Hoseok halted and turned around. "Why?"

Sia stopped in her tracks caught off guard by his unexpected question. "Why do you care? Whatever happens to me, why does that matter to you?" His clenched fists trembled as he awaited her answer. "What's your motive? Why are you so hell-bent on helping me? What's your intention, Winters? Cause, I know there is one."