everlasting ✧˚ · . jaywon

FOUND. END

Jungwon thinks he's a terrible person.

Jay didn't deserve getting treated horribly because of him. Sometimes, Jungwon thinks to himself.

Would Jay have been alright if Jungwon didn't exist?

The moment Jay woke up after his surgery, he's filled with various gifts on his hospital bed. His friends were all happy to see him all well, but there was something that changed. They all looked like they were hiding something from him. Something bad. So when he asked them what was wrong, they told him to open the specific letter attached to the red rose near his bed.

He wonders if Jungwon's alright.

Seeing the familiar handwriting on the letter, Jay reads it silently.

To my Jay hyung, whom I love with every piece of myself.

This is Wonie.

Hyung, firstly, I want to say that I thank you with all my heart and soul. For all the warmth you've given me, all the pain and the joy. You're definitely one of a kind, and I've been really lucky to have you as my man.

You taught me a lot of things. You made me happier than I ever will be. You showed me a brighter part of my life, and you made me feel like I was worth the years for.

I didn't know you were still in contact with my dad. He told me you'd text him sometimes to reassure him that I'm safe with you, though he never responded. He told me that you're really something, you know. He's surprised by your stubbornness and determination.

That night, I was shocked. For various reasons, all those things Choi did really traumatized me a lot.. And seeing you in that position broke my heart into pieces. However, a reason that shocked me in a good way was because my dad is very willing to help the both of us. He apologized to me. Even though sorry wouldn't do much, at least he apologized for treating me like shit because he handled mom's death so badly and took it out on me. I can't blame him that much. Love can make you do unexpected things. He was a good man, he just loved my mom a little bit too much. :(

I heard Choi is in jail. It's all because of dad and our friends. Sorry if I haven't been doing much, I tried recovering on my own.

Hyung. Honestly, I love you more than I love myself.

Every hour, every minute, all I can think about is you.

And I hate myself.

I hate myself because I love you so much that I keep blaming myself for all the harm that I've caused you due to this relationship. I'm afraid if I face you again, I'll cry in your arms and be too harsh on myself.

Jay hyung, I'm so sorry.

Every time I think of you, it hurts so much. I don't know what I'll do if I see you again. I know I'll punish myself. The hatred I feel for myself will grow even more.

And as my self-loathing gets worse... I'm afraid I'll do harm to myself.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can carry on loving you if I don't even love myself, hyung.

So I will be leaving.

I will look for myself. I'm sorry if I've always been selfish. Please let me be selfish... Please let me choose myself this time.

I don't want to involve myself in your life yet. I'm so sorry.

You don't have to look for me. I'll be fine. Just give me time on my own.

But you don't have to wait for me, my love...