Why, We Fall (Book One)

45: Id, Ego and Superego

(If you don't know what Id, Ego or Superego are then watch the short video above. You will feel and relate to Hasan more if you understood this concepts. ❤️)

ID

Rage. Seething rage was clouding Hasan's conscience. The veins on his forehead could pop out anytime by the way they were pulsing. He could mash his own fingers into his palms the way he was clenching them.

Hasan always portrayed himself as a calm and collective person. Lashing out when mad wasn't his style. But boy, does he have the capacity of lashing out! He has a temper even though he never let anyone be aware of it.

He himself on the other hand always knew of the existence of rage within him. He had worked his whole life to keep it inside. Hidden, from the outer world. From the people close to him. There would be times when this craze would threaten to burn his inner being but he could always reign it in. Maybe it would require bruising his knuckles black and blue by smashing the punching bag into pieces. Or an intense workout. Or a run.

But today, today none of those options seemed appealing enough to calm down the strom inside him that's been brewing for a while now. Since the day, he signed his soul away to his father's whims.

His teeth will shatter inside his mouth if he doesn't stop clamping them together like his life depended on it. He doesn't want to reel it in anymore. This rage he is feeling. He wants to lash out. He wants to burn and destroy the way his heart is burning, his inside is crushing.
He wants to let the world know what it's doing to him. Showing him a glimpse of what love is then taking it away.
That one glimpse, which was enough to sacrifice his whole life to chase after this myth called happily ever after.

He wants her.
His inside is screaming like a new born child who has no conscience. Who wants what it wants. This want is so primitive, so carnal in it's nature that the sheer force of it is leaving Hasan breathless.

The thought, the thought of giving up Aleya, to someone else making his soul roar like a hungry lion being deprived of his food. Every second he is away from her is like being robbed off of the very pleasure he could give up his life for in this very moment.

He doesn't know how he reached his apartment or how long he has been standing in the middle of his living room like a statue. A solid statue that is holding a strom inside. It's like if he moved, the storm would burst out and destroy everything in it's path. Hasan is holding all of it in. But he is losing the motivation to hold it in anymore.

What's the point? Something hissed inside him. Why be rational anymore?
What's the point if it couldn't even give him the only thing he ever desired in his life? Why can't he just unleash his wrath onto the world, onto everything that's stopping him from seeking his pleasure?

She was engaged.

To someone else.

Does it matter?

Is it enough to stop him?

Probably not.

Because Id?
It's only driven by pleasure principle.

Superego

There's a voice battling to get heard over the roaring of Id. It was inside Hasan's head. It was familiar. Hasan was close with it. He has known it his entire intelligent life. He knew of it's nature. He was aware of the relationship he had with it once upon a time.

It dictated Hasan's every decision as long as he remembers. It was the voice of reason. Of conscience. Of the teachings he had growing up which he preserved in his heart and it shaped him into whatever he is today.

Although far, he still could feel it's presence in his being. It was meek compared to the reign of the Id but Hasan was aware of it's existence. It was strong in itself too. It was powerful. Just as much as id. So it wasted no time to show what it thought of Hasan's imbecile desires.

Hasan couldn't just do whatever he wants! He wasn't even supposed to feel the way he feels about this girl! The things he did ever since meeting her! He wasn't even supposed to look at her the way he did! He was supposed to distant himself from her,not get close! He wasn't supposed to be alone with her! He wasn't supposed to talk to her! He wasn't supposed to stop her that day! Wasn't supposed to kiss her! Then kiss her again! He should have been forgotten her long ago! Should have just get married to whoever he promised to get married to then fulfill his duties like a man supposed to! Should have listened to and honor his father! Shouldn't have lash out! Get angry! He isn't even supposed to feel the way he is feeling now like an animal without any morals.

This voice was getting stronger by the minute. Clashing swords with Id.

The battle of desires and morals.

Head to head.

No one is conceding.

And it's killing Hasan from the inside.

His mental processes are all getting jumbled up. It's like he is losing conscious because there's a mechanical error in the functions of his brain.

It's too much!!! Make it stop!!

He was shouting but no words came out of his mouth.

Ego

There's a whistling, sounding the arrival of someone. Hasan was on the floor laying on his chest. His superego was screaming over his Id, you're not supposed to lay on your chest! It's not the time to lay down either! Get up! While his id is screaming, you can do whatever the hell you want! Stay laid!
At the same time.

Both of those voice rendered him immobile. But then the whistling got louder. And louder.

Hasan stirred. Finally getting some strength in him. He exhaled. He is not strong enough to get up yet. Neither does he have the intention to get up. So he stirred. And moved. Then laid on his back.

Both Id and Superego quieted down. Just only on this matter. There's thousands more issues for them to quarrel about. But Hasan pushed them away. At the back of his mind for now. He needs to rest a bit. Clear his head.

He closed his eyes. Aleya came into view. Id got excited, Superego sulked. This is not right! Superego hissed.

Isn't it though? Hasan muttered while admiring her smile.

You won't be punished for whatever's in your heart. Only if you acted on it. He muttered some more.

His superego quieted down again. But Id got excited.

But we are going to act on it, aren't we?
It's greedy voice lapped at Hasan's ear. Like it was the very Aleya who was caressing him.

Hasan smiled. No, we are not going to act on it.

Superego perked up it's head at this. So we are going to forget about her? It uttered enthusiastically.

No, we are not going to forget about her either. We are going to do right by her. Hasan smiled at the thought.

He just realized he could have it all without it causing him a mental illness.

Because when it comes to ego,
It's driven by the reality principle.

And the reality is, Hasan can be happy. As long as Aleya's happy.

He needs to go to her.