Remembering His Love // nh // complete

Chapter 16

Hey babes :)

Chapter 16:

Now

February 27th

ELLA'S POV

Niall turned on his laptop as we layed on the couch. It'd been about a month since Niall and I got back together, and everything seemed fine. He began doing a live webchat thingy (I was pretty sure he called it a Twitcam, but one could never be too sure.)

"Hey everybody," Niall said, smiling at the camera. "Guess who I'm with?"

People started replying quickly, saying the randomest things like 'My vagina'. I'd come to the conclusion that Directioners were just absolutely insane.

He quickly turned his laptop to me, and I froze, not sure of what to do.

"Say hi, Ella," Niall whispered.

I unfroze, and blinked, "Hi?"

Niall laughed, "Don't mind Ella, she's just camera-shy." Then after a few moments, he laughed again, "They say they can tell."

I stuck my tongue out at the laptop, and Niall grinned, "You guys, she just stuck her tongue out at you."

He began to aimlessly chat with them, until he glanced at me with his too blue eyes. "The won't stop telling me to bring you in."

"But I don't like cameras."

"You're not talking to a camera, though, Ella. You're talking to our family." He said seriously, eyes piercing me.

"Fine." Those eyes could make me do literally anything.

"Everyone, say hi to Ella!"

Comments flooded in, some saying hi, others not. Some being nice, others not.

Sigh.

"Hello, directioners!" I said smiling, and giving a small wave to all of them.

Now

March 2nd, 2013

ELLA'S POV

I wasn't sure whether to feel glad that I was alone, or even more depressed. I know that Eleanor Calder, Louis' beautiful girlfriend, and Jade Reills, Harry's gorgeous love, recieve a lot of hate, but I honestly don't know how they deal with it. It'd only been official for a couple weeks now, and I felt like I had gotten more hate than love.

Granted, I was not as beautiful as Eleanor the model, or Jade the cute girl next door.

And maybe I wasn't as strong, because they honestly didn't seem to be as bothered by it as I was.  

Fat.

Ugly.

Stupid.

Bitch.

Whore.

Slut.

Worthless.

The names they called me echoed in my ears.

She doesn't deserve Niall.

She's so stupid.

Only in it for the fame.

She's so fat oh my god she needs to starve herself.

Fuck off, whore.

Can she please go die in a hole?

That bitch needs to lose some weight.

I bet you she tried to eat like Niall and that's why she's so fat.

Look at how big her thighs are.

Me and Niall are so much cuter at least I'm not fat.

I glances down at my stomach, and lifted up the lining of my black T-shirt. Was I fat?

All of these girls were saying I were, so I could come to the conclusion that I was.

I found myself comparing myself, probably the worst thing I could do, to other girls. My thighs weren't as thin as Jade's, my eyes weren't as clear as Kate's, Niall's previous girlfriend. My hair didn't fall in perfect waves and curls like Eleanor's. I didn't have such a beautiful smile like Danielle, Liam's old girlfriend, nor as his current one, Audrey.

I came to the realization that I was the outlier. The anomaly. I did not belong. I was not beautiful enough, or skinny enough.

I blinked twice, and thought to myself again if I should be happy I was alone, or not. I was glad Niall wouldn't be here to see me cry, but at the same time, I wanted his warmth and comfort.

The warmth and comfort you apparently don't deserve. I thought dejectedly.

My stomach growled, and I started to get up to get food, but then I stopped. No, Ella. You're not hungry. You don't need the food.

I got up anyways, not quite sure where I was headed until I found myself inside my bathroom.

What was I doing there?

My mind didnt move along as fast as my body did, as I grabbed a spare toothbrush from the drawer under the sink of my personal bathroom.

I grabbed a sharpie from the same sink, and wrote slowly, and it hurt me. It was as if it was being inked into my own skin, and I knew, that this one purple toothbrush would have a big impact on my life from now on.

Maybe after this I'll be beautiful. I thought to myself hopefully.

I pulled my brown hair back with an elastic around my wrist, and took one deep breath, nearing the porcelain toilet, gripping the toothbrush in my right hand. Kneeling down on the cold, hard floor, I pressed the toothbrush down on the back of my tongue and emptied out the contents of my fat stomach.

Once I had finished, I glanced down at my hand. My vision was blurred from the hot tears burning them, but I zeroed in on the three thick letters inscribed on the violet handle.

fat.

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