You're dead to me

Chapter fifty-five: Cherish Her

Giovanni's POV:

The water crashes down on me and I inhale the sharp edges of it. My hands steadies me on the tiles. I don't hear anything anymore only the waters impact that splashed down on my head.

My shoulders aren't stiff and broad anymore, instead, they're pulled down, just like a massive weight is holding them down.

With one stretch, I grab for the shampoo on the edge and massages it into my short black hair. My eyes remain closed as I think about my miserable decision that was made in a heartbeat.

Divorce.

How the fuck should I do that, we aren't even married for one year and I already want to file for divorce? My chest lifts up heavy and I let myself drown in this pot of thoughts.

I fucking hate her, I hate everything about her, her attitude, those brown eyes, this goddess body and the fact that she chose him over me.

Him, the one who did nothing but shit to her, she wanted him and not me!

I rub my eyes clear and change the temperature to ice cold.

I let myself be punished for what I have done to her, what I have done to her that made her cheat on me. There has to be a way.

The ice cold water stings my skin and I slowly lose my feeling in my shoulders and the numbness travels down my upper body.

***

I had one of my employees take care of something yesterday and now that, that something, lays on my office table and seems to scream after me.

I made sure that Caroline was still around, not that I thought that she disappeared, but she's unpredictable and she will always find a way to surprise your gut.

She sits in the living room again, as always, I thought.

I walk the stairs up to my study and open the wooden door. My eyes fix on her diary, it swallows the whole air around and the weight that now hangs below my heart, seems to make me die.

I grab it and walk down.

"Caroline?". I haven't spoken to her after I statement that I want to file for divorce. Actually we haven't spoken a long time with each other.

Right before I went to Japan, this one moment when she was with me in the hospital room, where she clutched my cheeks and we promised with our gazes that nothing will ever separate us.

That was before we made shit real.

She doesn't flinch, doesn't turn, doesn't react. She just sits there, gazing outside.

"Caroline?". I try again and then she jerks her head to me, as she didn't hear me the first time.

Her mouth remains shut and I take it in my hands, I drop down on the sofa, facing her.

"What are you thinking about?". I put a pillow over her diary. It was a swear to myself, if things ever get to ugly, I would give her the chance to write in it again, I thought it would never come to this.

But here we are anyway, staring each other down, staring a stranger down.

My heart pounds loudly in my ears, as I wait for her to talk.

"Imagining". She says, crumble and fragile like her heart just spoke and not herself.

"Imagining about what?". I whisper and force myself to stay put.

"Imagining about what would've been".

I raise an eyebrow questioning.

"What would have been, if I never cheated on you, if I never killed too many people and we never were forced to get arranged, if you never went to Japan, if you never obeyed your father, if we never had in counter with Sal, if Theresias employee never disappeared, if I really got loved or that has been something I've destroyed when I kissed lips from another man".

My shoulders are tense and I bite my lip down, I can't handle to see her right now so fragile and alone, I drop my head and let the words linger in the room.

Sometimes unanswered words are better than creating something unaware.

"Caroline". I say hurting. She changed from that though assassin, to someone who just wishes and imagines, who dreams and not chase like she used to.

"Giovanni, I am so confused. Was it this way things had to turn ugly? Was that predicted from the start, do we really have to tear away and let it go".

"It". I snort and laugh coldly.

"See, we didn't even addressed that thing between us".

"If it ever been a thing at all!". She throws in and I freeze again.

"I...Caroline yo-". Her lips part and she takes in our situation.

"I think it's better if we go separate ways, when we're too obstinate to say it or to apologize". I stay like that, empty and without any recognition in her voice.

"You know what that means for you?".

"Outlawed, I know". She nods and even that she's stronger than me to put herself out there, hurts me.

"Caroline, they are in the right to kill you, murder you or torture you even". She shrugs.

"You want to file for divorce, so technically you agree to that term". She gets up and leaves, leaves me speechless. I feel the leather beneath my palm and stick my finger nails into it.

I grit my teeth and that's when I feel that this is a war that cannot be fought. It's a loss from the start, it's nothing what we can fix or repair again.

We were damned from the start, who let me think that I had a chance to have her for me and own her for myself?

Angry, I jump up and leave the diary in her room.

I reach for my car keys and get out of this damn house.

Fuck myself, who isn't in the position to cherish a women that he fell in love with.