You're dead to me

Chapter seventy-one: Him

My sister didn't leave after that. She turned into a whole nanny and I just wish that this ugly feeling would vanish. I'm offering my daughter to her, because I can't do it myself.

How pathetic am I?

But most of all, I hate that my father still won, despite me being fertile, I'm still not a
mother...won't ever be one.

A knock appeared on my bedroom door. "Come in". My voice sounds raspy, I haven't talked in days, my dry throat desperately needs water. Theresia stands in the doorframe, holding Eliana on her chest and handing me a note with a bouquet of flowers.

I narrow my eyes together at the sight of it. "When did that arrive?". I ask, embracing the bouquet with the note.

"I found it on the door steps, the guards told me a women brought it over, she didn't look familiar though". She quietly left the room and I could hear her singing a song to Eliana.

I fold the note open and study the handwriting neatly.

Congratulations Caroline,
Let us meet at Don Verity around 7 pm, I want to see my grandchild.
-In love your father
Sal

Fear creeps up my spine and my nostrils flatter stressed. How? How does he know where I am located? Has he any information about Giovanni?

My heart race picks up pace and I look over to the red flowers. Was it save to meet him? He is my biological father in the end and honestly in my condition, no one has to be afraid of me. If he really cares about my health, he won't make this as a trap.

I put the flowers on my nightstand and watch at the clock. I had two more hours before I would meet him. Though, I won't tell my sister, she wouldn't let me out. Maybe my real father has some important things to say.

Then again, how should I convince her to go and leave me with Eliana, without becoming suspicious?

The only thing I knew was, that I have to meet Sal, I just need to.

***

The white dress hung from my slender shoulders, I dropped over five stones in a very critical short amount of time and it wasn't only because I lost my belly. The sun kissed my face and I tried to hide my dark eyes with a massive sun hat.

My fingers wrapped around the pram and I made my way up to the promenade. Theresia surprisingly left on her own, because some major business meeting was on her schedule.

I assured her, that I will feed Eliana and she can drop by, as soon as she's ready with whatever she had to do.

Elianas resting peaceful face is scrunched up by her little teddy. She didn't cry the last three days, which was without a doubt Theresias successful nursing.

The restaurant embraced the whole first quarter of the promenade. I called in advance, to make sure Sal reserved a table.

"Hello miss, how can I help you". The server looked to the pram and her eyes lit up at the sight of the baby.

"Uhm I am here to meet...my father, he reserved a table on the name Sal?". She nodded and lead me through the tables filled with young people, eating lobster and caviare.

The server pulled out the chair for me and told me she will put up an umbrella for the baby. I just nodded and ordered a ginger ale.

***

My father seats himself in front of me, he wears a white loose shirt and dark suit pans. I noticed his eyes bouncing to me and the little troller, that's faced to me.

After he ordered himself a gin tonic he leans back, observing me and my appearance. "You lost weight". His comment feels like spikes against my skin. I don't answer him. "Can I see it?". I snort.

„ ‚it', see you don't even know the gender".
„How am I supposed to know? You hid it very well and then my spies have come to me and told me that you were off to France". His hand clutches tightly his just served drink.

„You weren't in my life and that's why you won't be in her's".

„It's a girl?". A weird light ignites in his eyes and he bends forward to peak into the crib. I push the troller out of his sight and watch Eliana spread her tiny body.

„Caroline". Sal's tone has soften and he looks at me like a father would look at his daughter. „What happened?". He pushes. I advert my eyes toward the view and count my intakes of breath.

„Nothing". Bile rolls up my throat, I just want to leave. „You know, you weren't always like this. There was a time, where you faced your fears, instead of running away. I made you better than this".

My hand is on the fork and I thrust it into the table. „You didn't make me. You are not my father and I command you to stop talking to me like this. I might be a mother, but I'm no less aggravated to stab you right here and there". He gets up slowly and turns the troller to him. His hand reaches for Eliana and he pulls her out, holding her out to me.

My limbs go silent and I freeze, staring at the waiting baby. „I knew it. There is nothing in this world that you fear, but here we are. A mother that hates her own child". I grit my teeth and push my chair back.

He sighs. "Don't you know what the name Eliana means?". Once again, I feel left out in my own life. Giovanni insisted to name her after the Hebrew language. "It means God has answered. I know what that son of a bitch did to you". He meant my stepfather.

"And Giovanni wanted to tell you, that God has answered to all your cries and dark thoughts". That my father has to tell me this, only to make me aware of what I lost and gained unknowingly, makes me even sadder.

Sal has put Eliana to his chest and pats her back. His body rocks forward and backward. In a second of the sun blinding me, my father looks just like Giovanni. Tears well up in my eyes and I cramp my hand over my wrist.

He takes his seat back and kisses her forehead.

„He disappeared". I wait for him to continue. „I tried to reach out to you, as soon as you left the country. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to be there for you. Giovanni met me after he left the hospital". My blood turns cold and my shoulders stiffen.

The wind flares around my cheeks and I wanted Sal to tell me why he left, why he chose this road.

„He told me, that he didn't want to leave, he did it out of selflessness and sadness. During your stay in the hospital, they made different tests for the baby and your health. Giovanni asked for a paternity test. It came back negative. He isn't the father, Eden is".

„What?".

„He killed Eden before all that, he wanted this nightmare to end. You cheated on him and he knew what roots Eden had to pull, so he faced the threat and ended his life. To raise a child that wasn't his. His wife cheated on him, him killing the father. It was all too much for him. Giovanni didn't wanted you to know, he thought it would be better to hate him, than to know what he did".

I shake my head.

„He left me and now I can't even look at my daughter, he's all I see in her. I'm noting more than a lost girl in this. I can't be a single mom, he cannot leave like this. I don't care about Eden, he made me do all of this, made me think that he was still the little boy. He backstabbed me!". My heart had picked up speed.

„I just want him to be here...I love him so much...it's just—there is no body else for me in it". I sob and hide my face in my palms.

„I can't...I can't live like this". Eliana was back in her crib and my fathers arms come around my back.

„Shhh, I know, I know. Trust me, he didn't want to leave you, nor his baby".

„Then why did he do it then???". I cry out and slump into his chest. Tears run down my cheeks and I felt so lost in this moment, that I forgot about Sal being the one I should despite. I let the pain brace through my mind and there was no more beach, sun and Eliana.

I only could see him, him, him.