Her Portrait Is Black and White

The Gala

                "Please welcome our guest speaker, a woman who has gained success as an artist. She's a remarkable woman with a remarkable story to tell, please welcome onto the stage Tina Kennard."

Tina slowly walked onto the stage, tonight she was dressed in a black fitted shirt, a white and purple vest with white dress pants, her sleeves rolled up. She looked out onto the room and found Bette's eyes. Bette was sat with Kit, Shane, Carman, Helena, Dylan, Alice, Tasha and Jenny. The group all clapped and cheered loudly as she made it onto the stage.

Tina had spent hours working on her speech, working on what she wanted to say. She wanted it to be perfect. Tonight was very important to her. she hadn't even let Bette read her speech.

The cheering died down and Tina took out her speech, putting it in front of her.

"I've lived with mental health issues all my life. It's only in recent years that I've learnt more about it but looking back and from learning the signs I've found that I've had it a long time. I don't do well in massive groups of people. My wife and our friends love to have breakfast together, but once there is more than one conversation happening I cannot keep up. My brain can't deal with the noise. I know It's not noise. It's usually Alice with her latest bit of gossip or Helena and Kit trying to work out how to get more of a footfall into our favourite coffee shop. I know these conversations are happening but I cannot keep up with it.

"When I was young I was a loner. I had one friend, Claire. I don't think about her much now because she did some awful things before she died. But for a long time she was my rock to the world. an anchor. When my parents died suddenly in a car accident I found myself thrust into adulthood but I didn't want to be a lawyer, which I was at college studying law. I wanted to be an artist. My parents early passing meant that I could build a house on some land away from the world and paint. I managed to not interact that much with the outside world. The problem was the voice in my head.

"You see, I'm gay, yet a voice in my head stopped me exploring that. Stopped me going out and finding a partner. Luckily for me a partner found me. Meeting Bette was amazing. She understand my condition and loved me with it and not because she had too. Many times my wife could have walked away and I mean this. I've put her through enough crap that most people would walk.

"After the birth of our son, a baby I carried I was carrying guilt with me. Xavier, my little amazing baby boy was born early. He nearly didn't make it. But he is a massive fighter. He fought to stay alive and I was so proud when we got him home. But my mental health fell apart. Totally and utterly.

"I got up in the middle of the night, I looked at my amazing wife sleeping beside me and I slipped out of bed. I went into my sons room. Kissed him and said goodbye. I picked up only car keys. I left my phone. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted the pain, the voices and everything to stop. I wasn't worthy of the family I had, I couldn't even carry my baby boy to full term. I felt useless.

"I didn't know where I was driving too, I just didn't care. I wanted to be as far away from the world as possible. I was ready to end my life. I was ready to die. My car ran out of gas. I just left it doors open on the side of the road and headed into the woods. I cut my arms I remember that. I remember the blood and pain of my body.

"I also don't know what made me run in the road or to flag a car down. But I can say I was ready to die that night. I'd said goodbye to the two people who meant the most to me but I ran into the middle of the road and help was there.

"I was taken to a hospital and this was the first time Vocal with MH came to me. The nurse who I still see and still helps me today works for this amazing charity. she helped me understand that I can live with my mental illness. That I can have bad days and good days.