DM #3: Sage Madriaga

Kabanata 19

Kabanata 19

False

My brother's car made a sound, as a sign that it's now unlocked. I calmly opened the car door in the front seat. Kabaliktaran ng pagiging kalmado ko ang bawat pagtibok ng aking puso.  

Nais kong bumalik at puntahan siya pero pinilit ko ang sarili na gawin ang sa tingin ko'y tama. I want to know the reason why is he here? Is he planning to attend my dinner party? But it ended already.

Pero siguro hindi iyon ang pakay niya dito. It's possible that he's just waiting for someone, probably his girlfriend. Ayaw ko nang isipin ang bagay na ito. 

Kaso hanggang sa umandar na ang sasakyan at nakarating na ng bahay, iyon pa rin ang laman ng isipan ko. Hindi ako sigurado kung tama lang ba ang pag-ignora ko sa kanya kanina. 

I was rude and I felt awful. Ayos lang siguro na umakto akong walang nakita kung alam kong hindi niya ako napansin. I can act like I don't see anything since he's not aware of my presence too. 

But the thing I did earlier was too much. I can just smile and immediately walk pass by him. Magagawa ko iyon kahit iniiwasan na siya. If I do that, he will feel that I recognize him. Hindi iyong basta-basta ko na lang lalagpasan na parang hindi kilala.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagawa iyon. I will admit that I was in pain when he wasn't able to fulfill his promise yesterday. Kahit ngayon ay nasasaktan pa rin ako. 

Pero hindi iyon dahil sa kanya. I don't want to blame him just because of my feelings. Naalala ko pa na ako ang umasa simula pa lang.

Especially, he's not responsible to reciprocate my feelings. I don't want him to like me just because I like him. I don't want that. Kung iisipin ang bahaging iyon, mukhang doon pa ako mas nasasaktan. 

Mas pipiliin ko na lang na huwag niya akong gustuhin kaysa ganoon ang mangyari. It will be a slap for me, almost like an insult. If that will be the case even if I like him so much, I will never be with him. 

Ayaw ko ng ganoon. I won't force anyone to like me. I know to myself that I will never settle for less. 

I combed my hair and stared my reflection on the mirror. Muli kong naalala ang mga natanggap na papuri galing sa mga kaibigan ni Mama. 

I looked like her and I can't agree more. I have every detail of her face. I'm a young version of her. Kung may pagkakaiba man kami, iyon siguro ay ang ugali. 

She's famous in events and loves to communicate with everybody. Habang ako ay halos kabaliktaran. 

Mama wants me to explore and do things that teenagers normally do. If I will do what she wanted, I'm sure I will grow just like her. 

I put down the comb and walked towards my bed. Nahiga na ako at kinuha ang cellphone sa side table. 

Kahit medyo nangangalay ang paa sa heels na sinuot kanina, hindi ko pa rin maramdaman ang pagod at antok. I opened the messages I received and answered all of it. The messages were mostly from my relatives on States. 

My titas were asking me if Mama has a plan in visiting States, especially on Christmas. Hindi ko pa alam ang bahaging iyon at wala naman siyang nasabing plano niya kaya siguro magtatanong na lang ako kinabukasan. 

After answering the messages, I opened my facebook account. Ang mga naunang post ay tungkol sa mga pinsan ko na nagpupunta sa club. They're club hopping, it must be fun. I can see it on their faces. 

Kung nasa Manila pa lang sila, siguradong kasama na naman ang dalawang kapatid ko. Lalo na si Kuya Dean. Pero kung titignan kung gaano sila kaabala ngayon, siguro tatanggihan din.