𝐌𝐘 𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐀𝐋

CHAPTER 8

I woke up.

It was still dark outside, didn't matter how long and how tight I shut my eyes, I couldn't bring myself to sleep.

The dead face of the man was engraved in my head, as if I was there all over again with Rafe standing over the body, it was silent except for his breathing, and gun dropping to the ground with a thud.

I sat up on the bed, I hugged my knees while looking at the indigo sky. I couldn't see stars but I could imagine the constellations, connected from one star to another.

I liked to think I was okay, or happy. Every day I start to feel further from myself, isolating myself from everything I love, or rather everyone I love. I let out a laugh, putting my palm over my mouth, It wasn't a happy kind of laughter. Tears dimmed my vision, I hugged myself tighter, hoping I would find comfort.

I stood up, letting blood pass through my body, I felt faint but still managed to walk to the bathroom. It was silent outside, I at least expected birds to chirp or make any sound. I let the bath tub get full, the water warming my cold skin like a blanket. I rested my head back.

I tried to silence the voices in my head, I tried. I tried to smile, or tell myself to stop. My throat was extremely dry, my body shivering.

"Just one more." I told myself again and again, I shook my head as I reached for the razor blade, my fingers trembling as my fingertip collided with the cold piece of metal.

I want to feel pain, it is my fault that my mother is dead. It is my fault that my father left me. Rafe was right. I am nothing.  This is the only way I can punish myself.

My breath was unsteady, I really wish I didn't have to do this. I felt the cold sharp blade on my skin, a sense of relief when it slit a thin line on my wrist. I made it thin so that it wasn't noticeable, this wasn't my first time but every single time it felt like it was.

I winced at the pain, it was the only thing that distracted me besides the adrenaline. Blood was dripping, rolling down in droplets into the cold water beneath me. I put my arm out again, hoping for someone to save me, but there is no one. I dropped the bloody blade to the  floor beside me, hugging my knees once again as I watched the blood dilute with water.

I looked down at my palms, they were wrinkly, indicating I was here for too long.  The water slid down my bare body as I wrapped myself into a towel.    I stepped out of the bathroom, the room I was renting started to look more like a mess, clothes laying everywhere and stacks of plates were located on the counters.  Ironic  isn't it, I work as a maid but can't manage to keep my own place clean.  I shrugged hoping tomorrow I would have the urge to clean it.

I lay on the bed, watching the stars disappear and the sun rise, the window was big enough for me to see the view of outer banks.  I wanted to keep my focus on something else but it kept coming back to Rafe, or rather the murderer. I can't believe he killed someone, why am I justifying his actions? Did he even feel sad? Is he thinking about how he ended a life, or is he thinking about not getting caught.  He is selfish, a psychopath. I was caught up in my thoughts, I looked out the window, nothing the yellow sky shift into a nuance of colours.

It was an early morning, the air was fresh and cold.

I wore a cropped tank top and an over sized zip up sweater, I rolled down my sleeve, squirming whenever I touched the cut.  I sniffled, looking at myself through a broken mirror. 

My hair was still messy and damp from yesterday, my face looked clean except for the dark eye bags under my eyes.  I grabbed my wallet walking over to my almost non-functional car.