There Goes My Life

6.

Derek laid in bed, drapes pulled shut to keep the sun from invading on the darkness that surrounded him. He had told Meredith that he didn't want to break up with her, he loved her and he knew that was true but he wasn't sure how they were to get through this problem of theirs. He hadn't left his room for more than two or three minutes to go to the bathroom since he came home two days ago and he knew his mother was beginning to worry because she had come to his door twice already, and now he could hear her on the phone.

"Mark, can you please come over and get him out of his room? I think there is something wrong with him. I tried to call Meredith but I think they must have had a fight because she didn't answer." Carolyn Shepherd asked over the phone. Derek couldn't hear his response but he knew Mark loved his mother like his own so within minutes he knew Mark would be barging in trying to get him out of his room.

Like clockwork, Derek heard his mother knocking on the door. "Honey, Mark is on his way over. I think you should really get up and go for a walk or drive with him. The fresh air might do you some good." Carolyn spoke softly through the wooden door. Derek grumbled and placed a pillow over his head.

A few minutes later Mark walked in without knocking. He took a pillow in hand and threw it down on Derek. "Get your ass out of bed. First of all, you smell. Second of all, your being a dick and Meredith needs you." Mark said as he pulled the sheets off of Derek and began to drag his ass out of bed. Derek kicked at him.

"Fuck off Mark." He said as Mark picked him up over his shoulder and walked out of his room and into the bathroom. He put him down in the shower, turning on the water. "Fuck Mark." Derek yelled as he felt the cold water hit him while he still wore his t-shirt and boxers. Derek tried to stand up but Mark just pushed him down and walked out of the bathroom, giving Derek a chance to actually shower.

A few minutes later Derek emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist as he entered into his bedroom to get changed. Mark gave a warning knock a few minutes later but instead of having to go in and getting Derek he emerged from his room in jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap covering his wet curls that lacked the product that normally graced his hair.

"That wasn't so hard was it?" Mark asked as the two of them left Derek's house in silence. They got outside and the blinding light hit Derek's eyes causing him to squint until he placed his aviators on his face, followed by Mark placing his sunglasses over his eyes as well. They walked to Mark's car and the two of them hoped in.

"Have you seen Meredith?" Derek asked a few minutes into ride, not looking at Mark.

"Lexie's been with her but I haven't seen her. She is having a hard time with this Derek. She needs you." He told her honestly as he continued to drive aimlessly, but knowing that his final destination would end up being Meredith's house.

"I know... I just don't think I can help her with this." Derek said as he flew forward as Mark slammed on the breaks.

"You are fucking joking right?" Mark said as took off his glasses, tossing them on the dash as he looked at Derek. "You are in this together. You did this, both of you. You need to do this together." Mark said as glared at his best friend.

"Don't get all high and mighty on me Mark. You were a man whore until Lexie, so don't give me a fucking lecture." Derek yelled back at his friend. The car became quiet and Mark began to drive again. "I know this is my fault, you don't think I know that?" Derek said in a small voice after a while. "Why do you think I'm not there, why I can't face her? I was the dumbass who popped the condom." Derek tried to keep his emotions in check but the guilt of knowing he didn't protect her well enough was eating at him.

Mark didn't reply, he just continued to drive, letting the drive clear Derek's mind as they drove with the windows down. Normally they would have the music loud and pumping but it was just background noise that neither could hear very well as they drove. "Can you drop me off at Mer's?" Derek finally asked, Mark immediately turning at the next block and heading for Meredith's house.

"Thanks. I'll send Lexie out." Derek said as he got out of the car, Mark not saying another word as Derek closed the door and ran off to Meredith's house. He knocked once, twice and on the third attempt Lexie came to the door with a scowl on her face.

"What the hell do you want?" She asked.

"I need to see Meredith. Can you go with Mark for a bit and give us some time alone?" Derek asked. Lexie shifted her weight on her feet for a few minutes until she heard Meredith's voice from the top of the stairs.

"Let him in." Meredith said before disappearing back up the stairs. Lexie moved out of the way, letting Derek follow her up the stairs as she left Meredith's house and headed for Mark's car. She wasn't sure if this was a good idea but at any moment she could have Mark drive her back so she was willing to give Meredith the privacy she asked for.

Derek stood at the doorway to Meredith's room as she sat on her bed hugging a pillow in her lap as she stared out the window. He took in the beauty of her features as her skin glistened in the sunlight that poured in through the large window. If she was smiling, the picture would be complete, but he knew the painful truth was that her smile was taken away because of him.

"I'm sorry." He whispered as he stayed at the doorway. "I don't know what to do anymore than you do Meredith, I just know I'm so sorry." He said as he hung his head. It wasn't until he saw the shadow of her moving her hand that he lifted his head to see her wiping away the tears that began to fall like a waterfall from her soft green eyes. He hurried over to her bedside and enveloped his arms around her which allowed for her to crumble in the safety of his arms. Tears began to slide down his cheeks as the two of them cried, grasping onto the other for strength and love to get through this life altering event. They would eventually talk, but for now they cried together, letting the guilt and anger melt away.