Remember When

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE- ONE LAST TRY

Carson

Heading off to Jane's place, I found myself doubting whether I should go or not.

Pulling James' car that he lend me, I stopped in front of Jane's driveway.

Gripping the steering wheel with my hands, I rested my forehead on it.

What the hell am I doing here? I'm being impulsive.

I came here to straighten out my mistakes, to make it up to the bullshit I made her go through for being an asshole. Then again, I didn't come here to go back to her; I still don't remember her to do that. Yet apologizing to her and tell her that we can't be together would mean that I'll only eat my words with my stupid mouth.

I can't hurt her; she doesn't deserve to be turned into a junk over and over again. I can't let her get her hopes up then let her down in a flash.

Tilting my head up, I looked at her house. Sighing, I realized I shouldn't have gone here. So I went home.

****

Jane

Beep, Beep.

The driver honked wildly, making my ears hurt. Although I can't blame him. The commotion in front of us is taking so long.

And to top it all, it's my fault.

I was so nervous that I asked the driver to take the shortcut instead of the usual road to Carson's place.

Now, because of my childishness, we're stuck in a hard traffic.

Not far in front of us, a scooter bumped into a silver car, creating a damage by its back door.

I can't hear anything though, but seeing the car's owner reaction, I quickly know that he's a moron while the poor scooter driver is being bombarded.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I leaned back in my seat, hoping that Carson is at home and stays where he is.

***
Carson

I reached my home in a speed of light, I slammed the car's door shut and half-jogged to our front porch. Without my mom and dad's door in sight, I jingled the house keys from my pocket and before I could insert it in the keyhole, light footsteps from behind made me turn around.

"Carson?" her voiced rings on my ears.

****
Jane

Groaning, I paid the cab and went out, grabbing my bag and luggage, hiking my way down to Carson's place.

Thank god it would now only be a five minute walk from here. The driver is an idiot, after being able to survive the traffic commotion, he keeps on complaining and rubbing it on my face that I was the one who made him go that way. He keeps saying that if I just let him drive his way, we'd be on our destination in a jiffy.

Think about rude. And hey, I know I was the one who made him take that dumb shortcut. However, can he just stop rambling and babbling? His ugly, idiotic face is irritating enough, let alone his smelly mouth.

Finally a house away from the Saunders' home, I took in a sharp breath. Making my way to the house, I stopped only a few steps away from their front door, and the devil may know what I saw.

***
Carson

I hugged her tightly like my life depended on the contact of her warm skin. I could feel her trying to pull away, but I wouldn't let go.

And when I did, I kissed her. I felt her hesitating to kiss me back. I nibbled her bottom lip, asking her to open, and she grants me access to slip in my tongue.

She only kissed back for a moment before pulling away. I stared at her pale blue eyes that are full of remorse, like the kiss was a mistake. I felt my heart being stomped, for the look in her eyes confirm what I had in mind. I opened my mouth to say something, anything.

Before I could speak, I saw someone in the corner of my eyes.

***
Jane

There goes the last straw. I felt my body go numb and the whole world seem to zone out, leaving their passionate kiss to flash in my mind, like it wasn't even fresh enough. He was everything I hoped for. He was all I ever needed.

I've been losing him over and over again, but nothing can even compare to the sheer moment of permanently losing him.

Because I've been hurting a lot, been fighting, been shred apart. I have to give up; before I lose that tiny bit of sanity I have left. Even if it hurts in the process, I have to do it.

I'm not gonna move on. Moving on means is to forget. And I will never forget the best thing that has happened in my life.

I'm going to let go, I'm going to get over it and accept it. Accept that his world stopped revolving around me the moment his eyes fluttered open after six months of oblivion. I'll never hate him for not loving me anymore but I hate myself for still loving him. At some point, you will become aware that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.

"Jane?" Carson asked in a tone like he was caught red-handed. Christine looks to be in so much pain. Funny, she has no idea how I'm hurting right now, I almost want to break down. One of the ugliest sights in the world is to see the one you love happy with someone else. They might not be together yet Carson has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I gave them a fake smile, the brightest one I could give. "Goodbye Christine... Carson." I nodded to them and turn to walk away, almost half-jogging, not caring that I'm carrying two heavy bags.

I heard them calling out my name; I didn't look back even once as I finally rode a cab.

The driver gave me a soft smile, "Where to ma'am?"

"Airport." I said nonchalantly and let quiet tears fall.

The driver looked at me through the rearview mirror, giving me a concerned look. "Is everything alright?"

I adore his kindness, definitely the exact opposite of the rude driver earlier. "No..." Then I found myself saying, "I lost the guy I love."

His eyes went back to the road and said, "Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

I was startled by his words at first then nodded, "Yeah, you're right. One moment we were each other's missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle. Then the next second, we were a different puzzle game and we can't complete each other's life anymore."

He sighed knowingly and answered, "Holding on is tough, much tougher than letting go or simply quitting. Yet we must remember that there are times that love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

I leaned my head in the window and let another set of tears fall, "I just didn't thought it would end... it was so perfect, so real."

I laughed mentally as I remembered Nicholas Spark's words with what I've said.

Our story has three parts: a beginning, middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever.

"I don't know if you'll mind me saying but... I truly respect people like you who stays strong even when they have every right to break down." He gave me a fond smile and I smiled back at him.

"Thank you."

"Just a word of advice from a stranger, ma'am..." he started but I cut him off.

"Call me Jane."

"Jane." He smiled at me and continued, "Don't give up just yet. Let things fall on its own and let the wind take you to where you should be. Like they say... if you really love something... set it free. If it comes back it's yours, if not it wasn't meant to be."

He's right.

Just let things fall.

Yet when you break, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive.