Remember When

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN- SHORELINE

Carson




I stared at her in confusion, making her throw her hands up in the air in frustration. What is she talking about? Why is my heart aching, seeing the pain in her hazel eyes? What does she mean by asking if I want to remember her? What is there to remember?




"You're unbelievable!" she exclaimed.




"What are you talking about Jane?" then her smell hit me. "You're drunk."




She glared at me. "I am not, I'm perfectly aware that I'm standing here in front of you, tired of pretending that I'm not hurting!"




That made my forehead crease in worry. "Is there a problem?"




******************************************************************************




Jane




God, Carson can be so stupid sometimes. "You're an idiot."




I felt him mirror my frustration. "Can you tell me what fucking hell is up?"




I flinched in the hardness of his voice, but that didn't change my mind of doing what I should have done a long time. "You can't love her..." I half-whispered, as I looked straight to his stormy gray eyes.




He gave me a discomfort look, I continued when he opened his mouth to say something and closed it otherwise. "You can't love her when you love someone else." I controlled back a sob.




"I don't love anyone else." He said blankly and I fought the urge to slap him, right here, right now.




"You love me! You love me Carson and I love you! That's how it is! That's just how it goes like the fact that the sun sets in the west and no one can stop time and we're meant to be!" I plead to him, willing him to remember me....




He shook his head at me disbelievingly, like he doesn't want it to be true, and that hurts so darn much. "Believe me..." I tugged on his shoulder gently, I was getting desperate, and I couldn't handle it any longer.




Carson gave me a look that I couldn't decipher, it didn't take too long that he does not like what I'm doing, or saying. I let go of his elbow reluctantly.




"What are you doing?" I gave him a confused look as a response to his question.




"What do you-" he cut me off and I hold back the tears at his shattering words.




"Why tell this now when I'm starting to feel better?! Why barge into my life like a lost pup?! You perfectly know how I feel then you turn a deaf ear to it? I trusted you, Jane! I trusted you but you kept lying to my face!" before he could say anything else, I did.




"Because I was scared Carson! I waited for you for so long and I just felt so empty... I felt empty not knowing how things would turn out... not knowing if everything would go back to the way it used to..." I let the tears fall. "Seeing you lie in a hospital bed every day for six months was like killing me softly! But to lose you forever... I couldn't live with that..."




"Then why Jane? Why push yourself away from me? You were the first person I saw when I opened my eyes!" he almost growled at me.




"I cared enough for you that I didn't want to mess your mind any more than it was already! I thought giving you some time to know who you are would be the best thing to do... I didn't want to pressure you... I didn't want you to think that being with me is an obligation you have left. I wanted you to remember slowly, slowly until your heart reminds your brain that I'm the girl who'll forever have a place in your heart..."




He only looked at me then after a few second, he spoke, "Why didn't you tell me then? When I told you how I felt about having someone special in my life?"




"I was a coward... I panicked. I thought that if I tell you at the wrong place at the wrong time would make me lose you as a friend, and that's all I have with you. I can't take it anymore though. I can't handle being so close to you yet still so far. You're there but you're not. I wanted to end that feeling. To have you in my life the way it used to be... but..." I sobbed softly.




"But what?" Carson asked impatiently.




I looked back into his gray eyes, I want him to remember, that's all I want.




"But it's too late..."




He didn't answered to that, he took a step towards me and wipe the tears out of my cheeks with both of his thumbs. I stared at him, full of love and admiration. I actually thought for a second there that he'll get me back and never, ever let me go.




Guess I was wrong.




He leaned in and kisses my forehead and whispered, "Sorry Jane. But it is really too late." He turned around and went back to the bar, leaving me in misery and despair.




There goes my last shot of ever getting him back. There goes the dismissing back of my heavenly bliss. And there he goes, leaving me. Leaving me alone while he has the time of his life loving someone else, it gave a pang in my heart at the thought of Carson and Christine doing all the wonderful things we did together.




Meeting the family, spending occasions together...




The laughter and the tears, the dates and the fights at 2am...




Hanging out with our friends while we have our hands entwined, showing off to the entire world that he was mine, and I was his.




My world crumbled even more as I realized that I'll miss him so much, his smile that he reserves for me and only for me, the laughter, the cocky remarks and the childishness.




The way he holds me in his arms when I'm scared, his trustful words...




His sweet kisses and the spark he gives me by just looking back at me with the same delight, telling me that his world revolved around me, that he'll protect me and never let anyone hurt me. That he'll never hurt me intentionally. And that he'll never, ever leave me.




I realized I'll be able to accept seeing him do all of those with Christine, and never to me.




I felt like the ocean that refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it sent me away.




But then, one question haunted me...




Should I stop kissing the shoreline so it'll stop sending me away?




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AN: Christina Perri's Thousand Years off to the side. It reminded me of Jane. <3