The Look Of Love

Chapter 55: Honesty

In the silence and stillness of her pageant hotel room, Mary sat alone. She had nothing but a journal, and her tears, to comfort her. She has hit rock bottom and she did it to herself. But there's only one way to go from here and that's up. 

In the aftermath of Bobby's truth bombs, she remembered who she is. She's a purpose driven mess, her harshest critic, and her own worst enemy. It's truly funny how she can give other's advice, but not listen to a word she's saying. 

It's like Verbena always says, "A cluttered mind is a cluttered life." Her life is cluttered with things that don't matter. It's littered with pageants, bridal extravagance, and swans wearing veils. Who the heck needs swans wearing veils? She made this tarnished crown herself. Now she's stuck with it, literally.

After Bobby broke both their hearts, she left school. When she arrived home, she went straight up her bedroom and ransacked her drawers. Finding the stupid pageant contract, is like finding a needle in the haystack. But she found it, buried underneath a pile of old Tiger Beat magazines. Snatching it up, she ran to Aunt Kitty's study. 

She explained her situation, and asked if there's any way she can get out of it. Aunt Kitty called in her legal advisor, Donavan. He looked over the contract and said "It's straightforward and legally binding." Basically there's no way out of the pageant. If she tried she would either be taken to court, or pay a hefty sum (tens of thousands of dollars). 

Not caring for either of those consequences, she put on her big girl pants and got to work. She's been working on herself (personally), as well as preparing for this stupid pageant. How on earth did she allow herself to fall this far? By listening to her own insecurities and letting her insecurities  choke her. 

She took a good long look in the mirror and didn't like what she saw... a big bundle of messy chaos. How could anyone love this person she is? How could anyone love her messiness? How could anyone love her?

There are heroes and villains inside all of us. Mary knew in order to rest her beasts of burden, she needed to be fierce. She needed to stop feeding them, with immaterial goods and things that don't matter. She needed to face them and learn from them, so as to not keep making the same mistakes. 

That's a scary thing to do. Getting real with yourself, and working on your issues is tough. Mary loves Bobby, so she knows what she has to do. She has to unlearn her old, tired habits. Her tears my continue to fall, but her strength and integrity will rise.

It's funny how tons of people come out of the woodwork to kick you while you're down. But only a select few will help you get back up. One of those select few is Dutch. On Tuesday, he made her skip Home Ec with him. They went to the baseball field. It's so far away from the school building and no one is there. They talked about everything. It was a great conversation. He allowed her to release some of the things she's been keeping inside.

"You know, I warned you about this before. If you don't talk to Bobby, you'll lose him. But the good news is he loves you, so you haven't lost him yet. But why are you acting nuttier than a fruitcake?" Dutch wanted to know why she's doing this to herself.

Mary put her hands over her eyes and gave voice to her internal beasts. "Because when I fainted it scared me and I haven't recovered from that fear. What if it happens again and I'm driving? And I'm also afraid of how I was acting before I passed out. I was like a total nutter butter! So, I've fed my crazy with more crazy and now I'm just a mess." Tears fell from her eyes.