The Wall | Yejisu

Chapter 17

Yeji's POV

    I threw my cellphone into closet. I put down all the curtains in the apartment and turned off the light. I don't care if it's morning or night. I took out beer from refrigerator and drank and drank. The spacious apartment reminded me of the feelings I bottled up and memories.

/

    Saturday night when Lia told me that she likes me, I pretended to be strong and calm.

    It actually hurt me so hard! I like Lia, I know that. Way before that night, I have figured it out. But the words were stuck in my throat. When I said I don't know, Lia must have thought that I didn't like her.

    I am afraid. I don't want Lia to leave me in the end. No matter how hard I shout in my heart, if Lia didn't hear me, she would probably leave. It's so damn dark to be alone myself.

    I am never a person who can easily express my thoughts and feelings.

    I remember the rose in The Little Prince. I didn't understand the way she show her love. Now I know that we are similar. We are unable to easily say what we wanna say.

    I hugged Lia that night and say something to her. I can't let her be sad at the end of the trip. I am the one that should feel it. She seemed okay after I talked to her.

    Though, in the end, I will have to tell her. It's like a promise to our relationship. I need to let Lia know I feel exactly the same way.

    But, but it's not easy for me. I can't become another person in a few days. I still feel those words in my throat. What can I do? I can't make the same mistake.

/

Her name, a train station, night, a big ship, her face. After the trip to beach, I slowly remember all the things. Broken memory pieces become a clear pic that pains me. I drank so that I could go through the story again, with less pain.

She was Ruth, my first love in life when I went to junior high school. I felt lonely at home, so I always went out and played with friends.

    She was one of them and we got along and liked each other. I found myself in love with Ruth. We did everything together. Sometimes we kissed as if tomorrow didn't exist. I gave her all of me.

But I am never a person who can easily express myself.

The third year in junior ended. Her dad wanted to get her transferred to a school abroad, maybe to a country I never heard of.

The night before she left, we stayed at her bedroom.
"There will be a big ship at the harbour. I never see the ocean before"
"But I can't see that with you.."

I shouldn't say that. It made us so sad. Tears pooled in my eyes and I couldn't stop.

"I love you Yeji, you will remember me, right?"
"I will. I'll call you. But I may not be able to meet you there, I hate taking airplane"

We chuckled in tears and she looked at me again.
"Yeji, I love you"

I knew I should be saying something to her, but those words couldn't come out. She hugged me instead and left me alone in the bedroom.

Next morning, I woke up in her bedroom and her mom and dad drove us to the train station. The train had a white body with deep blue lines. It would take them to the harbour in the old town.

    She pulled two baggage with her and I walked her into the station. There had been drizzle in the morning. Sun was hidden behind clouds and clouds. Greyish sky. Her parents got on the train and let us talk.

    "I, I'll call you when you're there"
    She nodded.

    "If we lose contact...I will stay here and wait. You can find me, then we're together again"
    She nodded. The corners of her eyes went down.

    "If they treat you bad, I will punch them in the face or kick their ass. It sounds crazy, but I am always with you. I don't want you to leave"
    She nodded and gave me a smile to cover her sadness.

    The rain started to pour. The train honked and the staffs on the platform whistled loudly to get the passengers onto the train.

    She looked at me the last time and walked onto the train.
    "Take care, Yeji" the door closed up behind her.

    The train started. She was gone. I still didn't tell Ruth that I love her.

/

    Ruth must be disappointed, helpless and perhaps, angry. At night, on the dock of the big ship, what kind of face would she have? When she thought of her first love with me, what kind of feelings would she have?

    It was my fault. I made her leave like this. I am never a person who can easily express myself and I would hurt others in a relationship. Since then, I told myself I am not a good girlfriend. I don't have the right to love.

I remember what I told myself all the time. But I forget it when I'm with Lia. She looked into my eyes and I wanna looked back.

I worry that if I forget, Lia will be hurt. I have seen her face when I tried to hide things. She got a similar expression like Ruth. If we decide to be with each other, I'm likely to see that face more often.

    She should stay away from me.

    But in my heart, I wanna be her girlfriend so bad! Lia is so amazing and special to me. Even though I am not a good one, I wanna be with her.

    Thinking all of these in this dark apartment makes me look like a mess. My head ached and I felt my cheeks wet for I don't know how many times.

    I used the telephone in living room and called Chaeryeong.

    "Hello, this is chaeryeong"
    "I'm Yeji. Can you do me a favour?"
    "Yeji? Where is your cellphone? And why do you sound so sick?"
    "I tell you later. Can you buy me beer or liquor?"
    "You drink like that again? Fine. Don't fall asleep before I get there"
    "Okay"

I went back drinking.
/