Signal of Distress

40 - Corrupt

~ Ozone - Chase Atlantic ~
❤︎❤︎❤︎

I want to hate every inch of you but I love every last bit -River Mitchell

At a point in my life like this— where I feel like this, I would resort to some form of self inflicted harm. Whether it's cutting myself, starving myself or alcohol abuse.

But I haven't.

I can't, I can't go back to that dark place I was once in. Eli pulled me out but now it feels like he pushed me back in. But I didn't fall all the way. I caught onto a ledge or a handle. I'm pulling myself up, slowly.

I can't understand where I went wrong in life. What I did to deserve such an amazing feeling pulled away from me. Maybe it was what I did to my sister or mom and this is some kind of cruel revenge. Or maybe the universe just hates me.

I finally came back home after a week and a half at my dad's. I skipped classes and didn't bother answering any of my text messages or phone calls. What really killed me was the three messages Eli sent me. Only three out of the 11 days I was gone.

I fucked up

Are you okay?

I love you

I want to hate him. I want to punch him or scream at him but I can't. I can't do anything but cry about this stupid boy I fell in love with.

I fell so hard. Too fucking hard.

But one word replays in my mind. Forgiveness. My grandma had always talked about forgiveness. To always forgive and never hold a grudge. It takes more energy to stay mad than forgive.

Easier said than done.

I find the energy to get up and go to class today. This class I have with Ebony. 20 minutes later and I'm walking to our seat in the back. Ebony's eyes light up when she sees me.

"Bitch! I thought you were dead!" She blurts out. Heads turn our way while I take a seat right next to her. 

"Shhh. And no, I'm fine. I just visited my dad for a bit. Sorry for going MIA," I apologize.

She wraps her arms around me. I hug back. "Just well us next time, okay? Or at least Eli, he's been asking for you. Well more like about you," she says. He texted me three times and now he's asking about me.

"Like what?"

"Like if you're okay. If you're sleeping, eating. If we've heard from you. Stuff like that, he really cares," she explains. "Are you guys fighting?"

I shake my head. "Kind of. It's whatever. I don't want to talk about him right now." She immediately changes the subject and I smile gratefully.

❤︎

"River!"

I look over my shoulder to the voice who called my name. And I immediately regret it. I turn back to the road in front of me and speed up my pace.

But it's no use. Before I know it, Eli is right next to me. "Riv stop. Let's talk," he says. I ignore him as I continue walking. "River."

"What?!" I exclaim. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and turn to face him. "What more could you possibly want Eli? You stole my work, you got to fuck me, you used me. I'm failing to see what else more you need from me?"

As I stare at him I take in his rugged appearance. His blood shot eyes, messy hair and sweatpants. I don't think I've ever seen him wear sweatpants out.