Theirs to Claim | 18+

C h a p t e r 2

I place my bag onto the cold, hardwood floor and step inside. It's completely silent, with only the faint sound of the fan to keep me company. I walk over and take a seat on the extremely comfortable mattress, and for the first time today, I'm forced to listen to my intruding thoughts.

"I'm fine." I tell myself, letting out a heavy breath.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I tried my best to shove down the tight feeling that was already threatening to appear in my chest, but it became hard to breathe. Like really, really hard. I wasn't cold, but my body soon became a shaking disaster, as harsh emotions took over my body.

I let out quick, shallow breaths and wrap my arms tightly around each other, as if I were hugging myself. My mind goes completely blank and soon the only thing I'm able to think of is the fact that I am completely and utterly alone. Noah was right. I have no one.

These thoughts consume me and play in a continuous loop in my head. Over and over, I am reminded that no matter what I do and how hard I try to make myself into someone who is lovable, no one ever stays.

I'm well aware at this point that I'm having a panic attack, but I can't do anything to stop it as waves upon waves of emotion crash through me.

Even as I press my lips tightly together, I can't contain the uncontrollable sobs from escaping. I really don't want to wake the person next door, but it's nearly impossible to calm myself down when this happens.

Closing my eyes, I try my best to focus on taking deep breaths.

It's just like my dad taught me.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven." I count in slow beats, inhaling air through my nose.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven." I count, exhaling a shaky breath from my mouth.

I have to do this multiple times; breath in, breath out.

I force myself to focus on steadying my racing heart, but it hurts. It hurts so bad. Even as my body begins to calm, I still find myself in pain. I could feel the tears on my face that I don't remember shedding, and the thin line of sweat that has formed along my forehead. I only just realized how tightly I was gripping onto my arms, and when I loosen it, I see half-moon indents lining my skin.

Shit. I didn't even feel myself doing that.

The last time I had a panic attack was six months ago when my dad went missing. I thought I had everything under control, but I guess not.

Laying back on the bed, after a while, I feel myself slowly come down from my panicked state. The tightness in my chest dissolves and I let out a long sigh.

Moving under the warmth of the covers, I ignore the fact that the lights are still on, not having the energy to turn them off.

I need sleep.

My heavy eyes fall shut while my head rests against the soft pillow. I find myself once again shoving all of my negative thoughts back inside to a place that I don't acknowledge.

I'm fine.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day and things will get easier. They have to.

__________

Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I can't fall asleep. I haven't been able to for the last two and a half days in this isolated hotel room. For the last hour, I've been switching between laying on my left side, only to roll onto my right seconds later. My mind simply wouldn't shut off, and the relentless headache I'm experiencing right now is a constant reminder of the cause of my tears.