83 nights

Not Today

Teardrop - Massive Attack
After Dark - Mr. Kitty
A Palé - Rosalia

(TW: ED & sexual assault)

I sit by the bathroom door on the floor for a while. I don't want him to see me crying, even though he has a million times. Not because I want to seem like I'm not hurting, but because he is hurting as it is. He doesn't need any of this right now, I just can't keep my emotions down. They're just flying out, uncontrollably and impulsively.

God, Jonah, I wish you had just left it alone.

I wish you had just let me go.

Finally, I pull my shit together and decide to go outside. He's sitting on my bed, still as a fucking rock, still looking pale and fucked up.

"You're still here." I sigh.

"Yeah, just wanted to make sure you're okay before I leave." He says in a monotone.

"Yeah, I'm great." I arch my eyebrows and huff in disbelief. This dude.

"The date you and Carrie set for your race is this Friday. I can figure out a way to cancel it." He says emotionlessly.

Oh, marvelous, Jonah. After that talk we just had, bring up your cold hearted monstrous fucking ex, why don't you? Dumbass hoe.

"Did I say I wanted you to cancel it?" I squint.

"Well, I assume it's for the best. It's not like you're ready." He shrugs.

"I've been practicing with Savvy." I say.

"You have?"

"Yeah."

"Essentially you're doing this for me, right? The whole point was to get her out of Melch because this was the only way she'd leave. Don't worry about that, it's not your concern anymore." Jonah says, getting up from the bed and walking towards the door, grunting in the process.

"Oh, that's right, we're over, right?" I let out a small laugh. "If you like having her as your business partner just say so." I shrug.

"Are you serious, right now?" He turns around, glaring at me.

"Then let me do my thing. If I lose, I lose. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me. She's done enough damage. I want her out of here for good, especially if I'm gonna be around." I say.

"Wait, what do you mean if you're going to be around?" Jonah asks.

"I'm staying here. In Chicago." I say casually and slip the comforter off my bed.

"You are?" He chokes on his words.

"Yeah but don't worry, you won't have to see me. You're moving to your apartment anyway and I'll probably have to find something of my own so..." I say, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Is this where we stand? We're gonna avoid each other now?" He says.

"Ask yourself." I reply quickly. "Don't forget to take your meds. No alcohol and no drugs. If you need anything just call. Now, if you don't mind, I want to go to sleep." I say and go into my closet to change.

I hear him leave and I lean against the wall, trying to keep my shit together. Seriously though, this is where we stand? He comes to my room after my date, all jealous and what not, then he fucking tips my emotional scale to the point where I'm yelling and telling him I can't leave without him, and then he's as cold as ice twenty minutes later?

I literally can't do this anymore.

The next few days are ridiculously hard. I'm so glad Savvy didn't go to California yet. I needed her here, especially since I can't really ask Jonah for help. I learned more about cars than I ever knew.