83 nights

Absence of the Sun

To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
Roslyn - Bon Iver & St. Vincent

Author's P.O.V

After the realization hit her, Annika lost her will to keep going. She hated herself. She hated who she was becoming. She blamed herself for everything. It got to the point where she even blamed herself for what Phil had done to her. She couldn't forgive herself for the minor things that had gone wrong.

She knew it was all her fault.

Jonah wasn't there to tell her otherwise.

She had barely left her room in a week. Her grandmother would drop off food for her, she only ate 1/4 of it. It got to the point where she wasn't hungry at all.

She was going darker and darker.

Her emerald eyes were now dark green, with a hint of red around them from all the crying. Her eye bags were enhanced on her soft cream colored skin. Her pink lips were swollen and blood red. The tip of her small nose was also a shade of red. Her golden brown hair was like chestnut dark now.

You could notice it on her.

No one had heard her contagious child-like laugh since that night. No one had seen her smile. The kind where her eyes smile with her lips and her nose scrunches between her eyebrows and the vein on her forehead becomes more visible.

Anyone had barely heard her soothing, siren-like voice too. She barely spoke, barely made a sound.

She was just curled up in her bed, the only comfort she could find.

She listened to music though. Red Hot Chili Peppers, mostly. Scar Tissue was her comfort song. She used to listen to it when she was sick before. Something about it always helped her nerves.

She smoked a lot of cigarettes. Kate would stop by, bringing a pack. She would sit out her window on the roof, looking into the distance. In silence. Kate tried to talk to Annika, take her mind off of things, but there was no point. She could spend hours talking, but Annika wouldn't respond. There was no point. So after a few days, Kate only came by to help her shower, brush her hair, change her clothes... she even did her nails once. You know how Kate is.

The nights were dreadful. She couldn't sleep, but when she did, she had nightmares, like before. Although before, her nightmares were only about Amsterdam. They were all bad things, she was in pain in her dreams. These nightmares were different. She dreamt of her and Jonah, together. Some dreams were even of her and Chase as little kids, playing around like they used to. Her dreams were happy. She was happy. I guess that's what made them nightmares: when the dreams ended, she wasn't happy at all. She knew they were just dreams.

She didn't know what hurt more; hating herself or loving Jonah.

She loved him so much she couldn't breathe without him. She was surprised she could love someone this much, after knowing him for such a short time.

Sometimes she wondered how he was doing, but she couldn't dare to check. She didn't think she was worth it. She thought he was too good for her. But she missed him, so much.

She was sure he didn't check on her though. She thought he didn't care, that he'd tried to forget her. She wasn't delusional. He had said he loved her. She knew he wasn't doing that well. But she believed he was trying to forget her.

It was a Friday morning when Annika noticed she was out of cigarettes. Her grandparents weren't home and Kate had family plans. She wanted one so badly, she couldn't breathe. She had to have one.

She almost picked up the phone to call Kate when she remembered Jonah had left a pack in her car a while ago. She could get them. It was just a walk down the stairs, out of the house, onto the driveway and back. It would take her maybe two minutes.