It's Not Over

21.

Meredith looked in the mirror for the tenth time. She wanted to look nice, but not too sexy. She was wearing a form fitting pair of jeans and a lavender V neck sweater. Her hair was down and wavy and she topped it off with a pair of light brown suede boots. This was as good as it was going to get. She grabbed her coat and scarf and headed out of the locker room. She stopped short when she saw Alex and Cristina at the nurses station. Damn it! Didn't Cristina ever stay at the damn apartment...of course not, she was Cristina. You would think she was the one working here. They hadn't noticed her yet so she snuck out the other way and entered the stairwell. She breathed a sigh of relief. She hated sneaking but if she had told them where she was going, they would have tied her to her bed. Normally she would enjoy that, just not with them. She walked out of the hospital and hailed a cab. After she gave the cab driver the address, she settled back in her slightly smelly seat. The drive was quick and before she knew it, she was at the bar they had decided on, or rather that Derek had decided on. He knew New York better than she did. She entered the bar and looked around for him. She spotted him sitting in the far right corner nursing his drink, another drink in front of the seat across from him, obviously for her. She took a deep breath and walked over to him.

Derek locked his deep blue eyes on her as she walked up to him and she almost stumbled under the intensity of his gaze. She smiled hesitantly at him.

"Hi." She said, almost shyly.

"Hi." He replied softly.

They fell into uncomfortable silence, sipping at their drinks.

"So?" He began.

"So."

The conversation halted. Suddenly Meredith laughed. Derek glanced at her questioningly.

"I'm sorry...it's just...weird....you know? We have never done the friend thing. I mean, we started off with sex. I just find it funny that as intimately as we have known each other, I realize we know next to nothing about each other." She explained.

"I want that to change Mer...Meredith." He said, not sure if he was allowed to use the familiar nickname.

"Mer is fine. We are friends right?"

"Yeah, we are. So did you have any trouble getting here?"

"You mean did I have trouble getting past my guard dogs?" She corrected.

Derek smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah."

"I snuck out of the hospital." She admitted. "I feel like what I imagine a teenager would feel like sneaking out of the house to be with her boyfriend...not that you are my boyfriend. I mean we are just friends, right and I don't want you to...mmmph." She finished as Derek placed his hand over her mouth.

"Just friends." He stressed.

"Why? You wouldn't want to be my boyfriend? I am a catch you know. I am mind-blowing amazing in bed, and I am intelligent...I am a doctor for Christ's sake....I look decent...I am not a dog..." She said somewhat offended at his tone.

"Meredith!" He said exasperatingly.

"What?"

"I would be thrilled to be your boyfriend. If I wouldn't have been so stupid, I would've divorced Addison and we would be married by now and living in a house we had built out in the wilderness and you would hopefully be expecting our first child. But I was that stupid, so now we are friends, cause you don't trust me and I don't blame you for that?" He ranted, looking down at his drink.

Meredith reached for his hand and ignored once again...or at least tried to...come on she was human... the electric current that raced through her veins at the contact.

"Sorry I am not making this easy am I?" She asked.

"No, but you do make it better." He said softly, caressing her hand with his. She felt in all the way down to her happy place and she abruptly pulled her hand away and placed it in her lap, shifting uncomfortably to ease the feeling.

"So, what did you do today?" Meredith asked brightly, changing the subject.

"The same as you, we were on the same case today." He said.

"Oh right." Meredith laughed weakly.

"Mer, this doesn't have to be awkward. What has been going on with you these last three years?" He asked.

"I am a fourth year...oh right you know that already...um...I met my father, we have a tentative relationship, I have two half sisters, one half-neice. A really nice stepmother...Susan. My mother died a few months ago, which was...I don't know what that was. Bailey is still Bailey. George and Izzie are still the same. You have seen Cristina and Alex..." Meredith trailed off.

"Why Neuro?" He asked, interested in her answer.

"I went to a really dark place when you left. I felt like I wanted to die and then I felt nothing at all...for a long time. It was tequila and one night stands for a while until slowly the light started coming back in. Neuro made feel closer to you. So I concentrated on it and I am good at it."

Derek took a deep breath to control his emotions. He finally looked her in the eye.

"I am so very sorry." He said sincerely.

"I am beginning to see that. What about you?"

"I moved back here and was in my own dark place. I was drinking too much and lashing out at everybody, my mother included. I slipped into a kind of depression and the only thing that got me through was thinking of the two months I spent with you, but then again that only put me back in the depression. It was a vicious cycle. Finally, I just pushed it all deep down and just got through each day the best that I could. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I asked Addison for a divorce."

"So it wasn't easy for you either." Meredith stated.

"Not at all. Getting over you is impossible...I still haven't mastered it. Honestly, I don't want to. I want you in my life."

"Derek..."

"I know...you can't. I understand Mer...just friends. I just think we should deal with this so we can move on...as friends."

"Yeah, you are right. This is good...dealing with things is good. Come on, Derek...I am an avoider...this is like eye gouging." Meredith said matter of factly.

Derek laughed.

"This must be painful for you." Derek said teasingly.

"Very, but I have been through worse." Meredith said.

"Me too. We can get through this together." Derek assured her.

"Together." Meredith nodded, determined that she would get through this with her panties on. Though looking at him, looking at her...she probably wouldn't bet money on it.