He Said | Matthew Gray Gubler

Heartbreak Album

July 22, 2008
New York

Davina Hayes

Today I'm releasing my new album, After. Matthew went back to LA to film season 4 or 5 of Criminal Minds. I have lost track at this point. I decided to stay back because knowing who's there with him, I just didn't feel like going.

We tried reconciling our love for each other, like hanging out and going on dates and anything to spice up our relationship, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore and it just feels awkward.

It's partially awkward for me because he's trying to make it work and I'm doing quite the opposite. I'm just not happy anymore. And I know you're wondering: then why are you still with him? Why don't you just leave?

And it's gonna sounds foolish when I say this, but I can't. Yes, I'm not happy with him anymore like I used to, but I still have hope that eventually things will work out and will go back to how they were, but right now is not the time.

Maybe him being away right now is what I need to get rid of this negative energy.

I'm currently in a zoom call with Kirsten, Aj, and Paget. They're currently on set working, but on their lunch break. They were checking to see how I was doing since the incident. I also told them what happened that day he accused me of cheating.

"And he still doesn't know?" Paget asked me and I nodded.

"God he's so oblivious and dumb!" Aj replied.

"How's filming going?" I asked them all.

"So-so. Some days I wanna strangle Matthew, but then I have to retract and calm myself down because I can't blow up on him. Hey, when are you gonna tell him by the way?" Kirsten said to me. I sighed.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. You know, there are some moments when we're together that I just wanna blurt it out so I can get it off my chest and finally have the courage to leave him, but I can't do it. I'm strong, but not strong enough to have the willpower in leaving just yet. I'm still holding on and hoping that maybe we'll eventually work things out but there's never a good chance." I explained to them.

"Is he still with her?" I asked them and they all nodded.

"He doesn't really hide it anymore. We all know what they're doing and everyone thinks you still don't know and they don't wanna tell you. The guys are slowly getting disgusted by him, but since we're working we have to keep it professional you know." Aj said.

I get what they're saying.

"We don't wanna ruin your mood any longer, we have to be happy and celebrate because your album is coming out today!" Paget says with excitement.

"I hate to burst your guys bubble, but it's not the bubbly type of album this time around." I let them know beforehand.

"I've had A LOT of time to write and a lot of inspiration from that night that I put it all out on this album. I don't know if he will connect the dots or not, but pretty much this album sums up that I know. And if he doesn't notices it when he listens to my album, then I don't know what else signs I can lay down on him." I explained to the girls.

"Well I hate to cut our convo short, but I gotta get ready for tonight. My manager is throwing a party for me for my album release."

"Alright, well we love and miss you. Let's talk again soon." Kirsten said. I waved at them and ended the call.

Kirsten Vangsness

"God, I feel so bad for her." I said to Aj and Paget as I close my laptop.