He Said | Matthew Gray Gubler

Focusing On Myself

Few months later
April 2008
New York

Davina Hayes

After spending some time with my folks, I eventually went back home to Matthew. Ever since then, he has been trying to spend more time with me, but I've been focusing on myself and my music.

I feel bad to blow him off, but every time I go back to thinking about him and Margot. Things have been awkward between us and I think he notices it now.

I've been writing a lot of songs for this new album I'm trying to put together. Since that day, I've been inspired.

Matthew and I are back in New York. He's done filming for right now, so he's on break till the next season. In some ways, I wish he was filming so it would be easy to avoid him when I get home from the studio.

I'm currently recording a new song thats gonna be on the album. Matthew wanted to tag along, but I told him no. I didn't want him to hear any of these songs since it's about him and not in a good way like before.

"Dee, it sounds good, but you need to put more emotion in it when you're singing. I can hear you, but I can't feel you." My producer, Dave said. "Let's run that back once more, but this time I want to feel your soul coming out."

I nodded and he played the beat back. I waited till my cue to jump in. I took a deep breath and started to sing.

You and me we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy
Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy
Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

You say I'm crazy
Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

You say I'm crazy
Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I know I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
And I know, and I know, and I know
And I know, and I know, and I know, know

I know I'm not the only one

"Now THAT is what I call soul." Dave said through the intercom. "Come out here and let's play it back." I wipe my tears that I didn't notice was on my face and I head out the booth to listen.

As Dave plays the song from the beginning, I start to cry. I'm at mixed emotions right now. I'm satisfied with how the sound turned out, but I'm sad because I think back to why I wrote the song in the first place.

"Dee, you okay?" Dave asked me. I looked at him and shook my head. He stood up from his chair and hugged me.

"I just wish things would go back to how they were, before it took a turn. But it's not possible, everything's changed now." I told him, pulling away from him and wiping my tears on my jacket sleeve.

"Hey, listen kid. I'm sorry for what you went through, but after every rainstorm comes a day of sunshine and rainbow. Just wait on it, it'll be worth it in the end. You're still hurting and that's okay, but it won't hurt forever. You can't let it hurt forever. Time will treat you good and his karma will eat at him." Dave told me, helping me get out this funk I'm in.

I told him the situation that happened between Matthew and I. He was a little skeptical on my frequent visits to the studio and working in many songs in one sitting and why it was all depressing. I eventually let him know everything and he put it all together.

"Thanks Dave, I really needed that."

"You're welcome kid, now get outta here. You've been here all day with barely food or anything in your system. You're on overload right now, you gotta take care of yourself."

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, once I'm outta here I'm getting me food."

"Good. Goodnight kid." He said as I exited.

***

I got home around 9:25pm. After the studio, I stopped at a local cafe and stayed there for a while. I collected my thoughts and emotions and got my head straight.

Day by day, that's what I'm doing. Taking everything day by day. I still love him, I know I shouldn't after what he did, but it's hard. It's hard not loving him, he's been my rock since we were kids and it's not easy turning that feeling off for someone.

I don't what or where went wrong. Or if I did something to deserve this.

I just.. I don't know.

When I open the door to the apartment, it's pitch black. The only light on is peaking through the room. I flip the switch on the wall, next to the door and head in the kitchen.

I set my stuff down on the counter and open the fridge to grab a bottled water.

"Where have you been?" I hear Matthew say as he's standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

"At the studio."

"This late?"

"Late night sessions."

"I called the studio and they said you left at around 8:30pm. It's 9:25, so I'm gonna ask you again where have you been?" He said in a stern tone. I roll my eyes and walk past him.

"Are you cheating on me?" He whispered, but I heard him.

He has SOME nerve.

I laugh and turn to look at him.

"You know what Matt, you have some nerve asking me that question."

"It's a simple question, to which you're avoiding."

"You know, your accusations are weak."

"Dammit Davina just tell me where you've been!" He raised his voice at me.

OH! He wants to go there now.

"Where have I been ?! I've been at the cafe down the street this whole time! You don't believe me? You can call and ask them, they'll tell you I've been there." I yelled at him and he was taken back.

I barely yell at him, but I'm done being nice and walked all over on. It's time I defend myself and take no ones bullshit. Not even him.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. I shook my head and walked up to him and got in his face.

"Next time you wanna accuse me of something, think about yourself first." I said to him with venom. He looked at me with confusion and I walked away, into the bedroom.

That was my way in letting him know that I know. But I don't think he caught it.

It's only a matter of time when I'm gonna pack up my things.