She Will Be Loved- Ben Tyler Cook

Chapter 46

heyyyy i double updated tonight so go read chapter 45 if  u didn't already !!

Ben's POV

January 3, 2020

"You want the usual Ben, or something new?" The waitress smiled at me.

"My usual, thanks," I smiled back. I was sitting at the same spot I usually sat at. This cafe was one of my favorite places to get coffee now, especially with the view of Central Park. I tapped my foot anxiously, waiting for Kasey to get here. She'd had a few things to do this morning, so we decided she'd just meet me here.

I felt horrible about last night, and for everything. I know I've been out of it for awhile, and I knew it was bad. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially her. Life at the moment was so overwhelming. I don't think I even realized how so far away from everyone I've been. This wasn't an ideal way to live, really. But I didn't know how to handle all this. I guess this coffee date was a good start. I need to stop messing everything up. The waitress came with my coffee, and I quietly thanked her. Hopefully this would take away my headache and the hangover from last night.

The bell above the door rang, and I expected to see Kasey. Instead, it was Camille.

"Hey Ben," she beamed.

"Um, hey! Did you not get my text?" She squinted, and checked her phone. It's not that I didn't want to see Camille, but this morning I'd promised Kasey it would be just us.

"Oh shoot. I'm so sorry. God, I need to actually start checking my phone in the morning," she shook her head, her curly black hair moving with her.

"It's fine. It's just um- I don't think Kasey would appreciate another person here. I promised it would just be us."

"Of course," she nodded understandingly. "I'm really, really sorry about last night. I didn't mean to cause any arguments or anything. I just thought she had known..."

"It's my fault, don't worry. I should have told her. Everything's alright, though. I think."

"But did you tell her about everything else?" Camille raised her eyebrows.

"No," I admitted. 

"You have to tell her at some point, Ben. You're just gonna hurt that girl if you don't."

"I know..."

"And she knows you've had panic attacks before, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then she'll understand, Ben. She knows you've dealt with stuff like this before. But how is she supposed to know that's happening now? How is she supposed to understand why you're like this when she doesn't know what's wrong?"

"You're right," I chewed on my lip, thinking about it. She was right, but it wasn't that easy for me.

"She'll help. You need to stop fixing your problems with a bottle of tequila and ignoring everyone who cares about you. Because believe me, temporary solutions are gonna bite you back. They already are." I widened my eyes. "Sorry, too harsh?"

"A little," I chuckled. "But you're right."

I've been having them a lot. Sometimes they came out of nowhere, sometimes I knew they were coming. It really all started when I started rehearsals. Everything was kind of a mess, we were all being overworked. I hadn't had any bad anxiety in awhile, but it had started to come back and it hit me like a train. I didn't want to tell anyone because it felt like everyone else saw me as some perfect person with no issues. I didn't want to tell my friends, they were busy and off doing amazing things. I didn't want to tell Kasey, because I didn't want to burden her in any way. She had just gotten out of a rough patch and things were going great for her. I didn't want to ruin any of that or bother anyone with my problems. I guess- I hated feeling fragile. I still don't want to tell her or anyone, the last thing I wanted was for anyone to be worrying about me.