She Will Be Loved- Ben Tyler Cook

Chapter 58

Ben's POV

January 4, 2021

It's the little things that make life so worth living, sometimes.

That's what I was thinking as an older lady stopped me on the street to give me a flower. She was giving flowers out to strangers, hoping to make their day. It definitely made mine. 

That's why I loved the city so much, you never knew what you were going to experience or who you were going to meet everyday. She had her own life- maybe a husband at home, some grandchildren. Maybe none of that. But she still took time out of her day to think about total strangers. A flower to someone who had just gotten stood up. A flower to a couple having the best day of their lives. A flower to the guy working an office job having a rough day at work. A flower to the teenager stressed out about school. I thought about all the potential people she may have encountered as I walked down the street. 

We all had our own separate lives but it was little things like giving out flowers that made me feel connected to everyone. Say I'm romanticizing it all you want, but I am truly so madly in love with New York. Bad parts and all. 

I was in a good mood now, walking in the chilly January air. "Love Is Everywhere I Go" by Sam Phillips was playing through my ear buds. I was feeling thankful to live the life I live- the people in it, the job I get to have, the place I get to live. Most of all, I was just thankful to be alive. 

To be honest, almost dying makes you look at your life totally different- it's kind of like you become so much more aware of what you lost. Maybe we've all pondered dying, now and then. A dark moment, thinking it might be better than living. A curious thought, of what would happen if you died. But when it comes down to the near-death moment, you panic. You don't want to die. It's scary. So when you survive, it's like a second chance. I spent so much of the last year hating myself and my life, and it honestly sometimes felt like there was no way to make it better. I was wasting my life away and there felt like no way out. Even though it wasn't pleasant, the experience of almost dying woke me up. 

"If you never talk about the bad stuff, you'll bubble it all up inside until it gets worse and worse. And then you won't be able to handle it, and you'll burst. And it will be very bad. You don't want to burst, Ben. Because that explosion will not only hurt you but the people around you. And that's not fair."

Emma had been completely right. Boy, did I burst pretty badly. As soon as I had woken up in that hospital bed, miraculously alive, I knew I had messed up. I knew I couldn't continue on the way I was living. I had been too scared to tell anyone, but I knew I had no other option. 

I spilled everything to Josh and the other guys. And they were super understanding of course, which only makes me wish I hadn't been so terrified of my issues so I could tell them sooner. And then Kasey. Kasey came, and I explained it all, everything that led up to our relationship falling apart and how it had been all my fault. She was so understanding as well, more understanding than I deserved. I hated the way I treated her and I hated the way I carelessly let our relationship go. It seemed like the only solution at the time. I regret everything. But there's no going back now, I can only get the help I need and hope to regain everyone's trust back. 

Right now, I was on my way to my first appointment with a new therapist. I've seen a therapist before, back when my panic attacks had first started, but honestly I had been kind of stubborn. I hadn't allowed myself to open up to more than just what was at the surface, so it wasn't really helpful. I wasn't open to getting help, because I didn't think I needed it. There's definitely a stigma around taking care of your mental health and going to a therapist that I got caught up in. But if there's anything I've learned recently, it's that getting help does not make you any less of a person. In fact, it should be normalized. I planned on fully opening myself up this time, even though that seemed scary. I promised myself I'd peel past the layers so we could get to the root of my problems. That wasn't an easy task, even though it used to be. I had always felt comfortable with myself up until when I started having these issues.