She Will Be Loved- Ben Tyler Cook

Chapter 15

Kasey's POV

August 26, 2015

I slowly opened my eyes, feeling weak. And then, my memory of last night came back. It didn't feel real in the slightest way. I figured I'd all just imagined it. Everything is still okay, I tried to convince myself. Right? Did it really happen? Amber's still alive. Things are okay. It was all just a terrible dream. Please let it all be a terrible dream. I pulled back the white hotel sheets, revealing my thigh. It was not just a dream. I sucked in my breath, not believing that I did this last night. My finger traced over the slashes, and my eyes welled up. I felt completely hollow. I promised I would never again. I promised. Shit. I felt a tear trickle down, surprised I had any tears still left after yesterday. It all sunk in. 

She's really gone, and I'm really a mess. I was so upset at myself for acting without thinking, now I've relapsed. I let all these bad feelings that I thought I'd never feel again take over. The worst part was that I'd made a promise to Amber to never do it again. I'm sorry, Amber. I felt so filled with guilt, everything felt like my fault. I could have helped her, if only I'd known. Why am I so horrible? And I couldn't even keep one of the biggest promises I'd ever made. I heard the door open, and that's when I remembered Ben last night. My mouth slowly formed a small smile, remembering how he'd been there for me. The smile slowly dissolved as I started to feel embarrassed- he'd seen me at such a low point last night, and I felt horrible that he had to witness that. And yet he still stayed. He could have walked away. He could have called me crazy. But he didn't, and I don't know what I did to deserve that. 

 Ben came in with 2 coffees and some donuts. His eyes lit up as he saw me wake up.

"Hey, you're up!" He smiled and sat down on the end of the bed.

"Ben..." I felt my eyes well up again. "I'm so sorry." I burst into tears again, and he quickly set down the coffees and rushed to come hug me. He held me tight in his arms and rubbed my back, which just made me cry more. I didn't deserve to have him here with me like this. I've hurt him, and he's still here for me. My crying turned into dry sobs, and I finally took a few deep breaths to calm down. I needed to tell Ben the truth so he could understand last night. 

"I'm sorry, Ben. I... I owe you an explanation-"

"You don't owe me anything," Ben shook his head, still rubbing my back.

"I just... I just want to explain," I said, taking a deep breath. I've told Ben so much about myself, more than I've really told anyone. It was all stuff I thought would turn people away, and yet he was still here. This, however, was the part that terrified me. The part that made me feel unloveable. I knew Ben well enough, though. I knew he wouldn't think of me any differently. It was still terrifying.

"So.... Um, I've told you a lot about my childhood, my parents' divorce, the beginning of high school and stuff," I started, and Ben nodded. 

"It was really hard obviously, and in the midst of all that I, uh- I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. So was my brother, Bryce. We've been through a lot together. But um, that's besides the point." I paused, feeling my heart pound as I finally said all this out loud. 

"I would have these horrible episodes, sometimes I'd barely get out of bed or eat. And I had a really hard time dealing with such intense feelings, ya know? I would just feel so... worthless. And sad, I guess. It's complex. Some days, depression hits you like a truck and it feels like nothing will ever get better. Other days, you just feel kind of numb. I just had no interest in living." I paused again, swallowing the lump in my throat to continue.