She Will Be Loved- Ben Tyler Cook

Chapter 53

Kasey's POV

June 25, 2020

Another month has passed, totaling about 5 months now since the breakup. I think typically at this point, most people start to feel better and they move on. They realize that life is short, and that they'll meet new people who will make them feel whole again. They'll still feel sad sometimes, but they know they'll be okay. The relationship ends up just becoming a fading away memory. Maybe they'll even start dating again, and going out more. I figured I'd get to this point, but instead I think I've gotten to the opposite- rock bottom. I should be okay, right?

 So why do I barely leave my bed anymore? 

I thought I was finally doing better, but then everything hit me like a truck and it was too much to handle. It was like I was finally starting to feel like myself again, and then suddenly all the sadness and the pain and every single thing I'd been feeling clouded me over at once. It started out first with sleeping in late and not leaving bed until I had to go the theater. Then it became hard to eat, I lost my appetite. It started to seem like the hardest thing in the world to get up and brush my teeth. No matter how much sleep I got, I was still tired. I stopped answering most texts or phone calls because it took too much energy. I thought about the breakup over and over again, it consumed my thoughts. I started to hate myself. I was absolutely empty. 

This week, it became the worst- I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work. I told our directors I was sick. I told myself it would just be one night, just some time to recuperate. But then the next night came, and I was sick again. And that's how it's been the whole week. I told them I had the flu, I don't know if they believed me or not. I knew missing too many shows could get me fired, but I couldn't bring myself to get up and go. Somehow it didn't worry me at all. 

This type of thing used to happen to me a lot in high school, there would be periods of time where things were rough and it would be hard to to get up or do anything. I knew this was bad, but I convinced myself it was fine. I convinced myself I could shake out of it and return to normal. But today when I woke up, the thought of getting up and going to work still seemed like the hardest thing. So I was "sick" again. It was around noon, and somehow I'd mustered up enough energy to shower this morning. However, I was back in bed now.

Right now, I was thinking about how Ben used to love my laugh. When we'd first met, he told me that I had the best kind of laugh, the laugh that makes everyone else happy. He told me that multiple times over the course of our relationship, and he'd always remind me of how much he loved it and he'd do anything to make me laugh. 

"I will never get tired of hearing that laugh. I'm looking forward to a lifetime of that." 

This made me bitter now, knowing we didn't have a lifetime of that to look forward to anymore. When did he stop thinking about me? When did my laugh stop making him smile? When was he planning on telling me? All questions I wish I could ask Ben but I'd never get the chance to.

I sighed and checked my phone, scrolling through the dozens of notifications I had. I ignored most of them, but an email that had just popped up caught my eye- "Flight #1023 Tickets- Status: Refunded". My heart sank as I realized what those were- the Europe tickets. Those were the tickets that would have flown us to London and would have started Ben and I's anniversary trip. We'd planned to go this summer around this time, but obviously that wasn't happening anymore. I don't know if I expected Ben to just go with someone else or go alone, but for some reason it stung more to see the trip just being cancelled. Just another reminder that we were really over. Another reminder of the memories we wouldn't be making, and another reminder of why I can barely get out of bed.