Life Of Bayla

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Senior year rolled around and I found myself counting down to graduation.

Home wasn't exactly the most appealing place to be but it was home and it would only be a matter of months till my family would officially disband. Dad had already moved out and he barely visited, leaving just me and mom drowning in our damaged-beyond-repair mother and daughter relationship. Aaron graduated in sparkling radiance and moved to London where he was schooling and living with Ian alongside his fiancee, Marion. Since Aaron left, Faust stopped visiting. He did try to for my sake initially but we both knew that it would only be a matter of time before he couldn't anymore.

At school, things were relatively easy for me considering the fact that in the previous academic year, I'd made a bad name for myself and got the whole of Thornsden talking about me.

Sure there were still very creative hearsays going on about me and yes, I was still friendless but I shut out all the downsides and channelled my energy into my studies since my top priority was getting into college.

And so, I went through with the motions, each day blurring into the next.

The alone time I got, which was a lot, really put things in perspective for me. It made me realize that I needed to right my wrongs and I did just that starting with Koa and Charmaine, followed by Caledon. Even though I had come clean to all three parties and apologized about everything - which they were receptive to and accepting - it didn't change where we stood relationship-wise. I respected their decisions though, since I saw it coming a mile away. Unlike the others, Maite and co didn't take too kindly, hashing things out with me. In more blunt terms, Maite had a panic attack when I went to see her in the locker room after volleyball practice (which now that I think about it wasn't really a bright idea given how our last encounter in the locker room turned out) and then I got kicked out of there by Ivy and Morgan.

It was a really pathetic scene to be honest but at least I could live with knowing I tried.

Getting closure didn't make me feel better, not even in the slightest but a huge part of me felt a colossal sense of relief after everything because deep down, no matter how suckish it all was, I knew it was worth it.

After rounding off with our final exams, the Formal came around but I made a pass on it, opting to just sleep it out in my room, cocooned in a layer of blankets. To some, I was making a huge mistake given the fact I wouldn't be indulging in what happened to be one of my most memorable nights of high school. But I didn't care, to be honest. From the start, high school wasn't it for me so what would it matter, skipping Prom night?

I had my eyes set on attending a college in London and maybe residing there permanently. For a fresh start. Again. Plus, I had this gut feeling that moving there would mean that this time around, things would actually work out for me. So I concluded I would go for that reason.

Well that and the fact that Marion called, threatening to carve out my tits if I didn't come.

~~~~~

The crispy cool air filtered in through my room window that night as I had a pen poised over the big, glittery book on my blanket-clad laps.

DATE: April 15th, 2017.
TIME: 10:30pm
Dear diary,
          If there's one thing life's taught me, it's that everything I want is on the other side of fear. Yes I know that I cant control what I'm afraid of but one way or the other, I can and will get past it and get to realise stuff like how I dont need to care about how others see me or worse, try to please them because in the end, they'll always see me from their point of view and nothing I do will please them. Once I get rid of that fear-induced mentality that I need to prove myself worthy to people who literally don't give a shit about me or succumb to their ill treatment, I'll get to bring to fruition all of the stuff I've always wanted. And if that doesn't work out then it's still fine. Life has a way of sorting itself out.
      I've been chasing after a perfect life for as long as I can remember. But get this- there is no such thing as a perfect life. And here's how I found out: I tried dating Gaspard Bastien to bring to life all of my fantasies. It didn't work out and even though I tried to ignore it, the fact remained that dating him didn't give me the satisfaction I yearned for; one that I thought would make me complete. So still on the self-fulfillment quest, I tried hurting Maite Sallow in order to balance the equation of the toxicity that lies in every high school relationship between the mean girls and the vulnerable ones. The comeuppance however was like a big *fuck you* sign shoved in my face because that didn't work out too. It just made me realize how much growing up I've still got left to do.
          And I'm not bothered by that. At least not anymore. I'm okay with not having a perfect life and I'm okay with not fully knowing who I am just yet alongside my purpose in life. You know why? Because with all that I've been through, I've learned that growth takes time. Self discovery is a journey, as shitty as that is. It takes years to learn the difference between who to let go of and who to be patient with. The same way it takes years to know what I do and dont deserve. So I'm just gonna hang in there because growth and experience come with time.
Love,
Bay ;)

As I got out of bed and set my diary on my dresser table, I felt it.

The constriction in my chest. My eyes stung, pressure building behind them and a lump grew slowly and painfully in the pit of my throat.

And like a euphoric rush, a crack in a dam, a legion of emotions rippled through me in the form of hot tears streaking down my cheeks. I was crying. I was finally crying. After months of having to hold it all in, feelings that anchored me down, they were finally seeping out of me as my body shook under the intensity.

My life wasn't perfect and there was nothing spectacular going on for me but here I was smiling and crying and laughing and overwhelmed with this huge burst of happiness and relief exploding in my chest.

For the first time in my life, I felt free and whole and I wouldn't want it any other way.

T H E   E N D.