Code blue Meredith grey

What am i supposed to same these 🥶

⚠️tw self harm ⚠️

Meredith POV
It was the morning after the big engagement , I was proud of myself for not cutting in 24 hours, but I still felt the urge to cut , to get relief for those few seconds , to give the voices what they wanted . Addison was still asleep , I knew she wouldn't be awake for awhile because when we got home she drank some more until she was absolutely intoxicated. I tiptoed into the bathroom and grabbed the same old razor blade I have been using since the beginning .
As I was gliding the razor blade across my arm , my hand slipped causing the blade to go deeper than expected " oh shoot" I took a closer look and realised it was ok , it didn't need stitches , it wasn't bleeding uncontrollably and it felt sooo good to go that little bit deeper it was like I got a minute of relief instead of seconds . I did it again and again until I ran out of room on my arm so I headed down to my thighs , I never liked my thighs who would care if they had a few scars .
I lost control before I knew it I had new slices everywhere there was blood everywhere but not too much just enough , how I liked it . I cleaned myself up and walked out of the en-suite making sure Addison was still asleep . I went down stairs and made myself some coffee to give me energy to start my day but it didn't work like it used to it used to give an actual boost for the day they only thing that seems to give me a boost anymore is cutting " go on Meredith do it , watch that blood trickle down your arm , do it for the adrenaline, do it , do it, DO IT" those stupid voices , I tried to ignore it . I got up and grabbed my coffee but my hands started shaking , my hands went clammy and I started sweating . I was a doctor I knew what those symptoms were they were signs of withdrawal , but only addicts withdraw, I am not an addict ,I am not addicted to harming myself I can stop anytime I want ,just not yet .
I felt awful , I was trying to stay away from the blade but the temptations were too strong I thought to myself " what if I only cut once it won't make a difference, I already have loads of cuts it doesn't matter . I'll only do I once , just once"
I rush up the stairs to the en-suite "just once" I couldn't find the blade "just once" I ran down stairs the urge now bigger than ever "just once" I couldn't resist any longer I grabbed a kitchen knife and cut "just once" relief I wasn't shaking or sweating I was just relieved . Maybe just once more ...