Aphrodite Reviews

twenty-six | just one day

Book: JUST ONE DAY

Author: novahsnow

Genre: teen fic/short story

BLURB

Summer is sick. Sick of a world where dreams refuse to come true. A world that is miserable. It's time she took matters into her own hands. Sneaking out of her house with nothing but a ton of cash, some books, and her phone, she plans to finally chase her dreams. 24 hours was how long she was allowing herself to stay out. 24 hours of freedom.

What she didn't anticipate was how twisted events would become. How she would be involving herself with unfamiliar places, and even more unfamiliar people. The unknown may seem like a scary thing, but in this case, it was quite the opposite. Summer has found her people. But is it too good to be true?

Wow, so I'm starting this review with a re-write. This is just because I did feel the blurb could be made more intriguing and there were quite a few grammatical errors in it. You are not obliged to do so, but feel free to use the edited version as it is, or as structure.  

PROLOGUE

So logistically speaking, this wasn't much of a prologue. I recommend separating character aesthetics, disclaimers, and the prologue into separate chapters.

SPAG

Original: 'she sighed looking at a group of girls and boys,'

Edited: 'she sighed, looking at a group of girls and boys.'

Original: 'they were laughing and were nudging each other.'

Edited: 'they were laughing and nudging each other.'

So I originally started this sub-heading with the intention to add errors as I read the book. However, this is extremely difficult without re-writing sentences. In all honesty, sentence structure wasn't ideal, which consequently affected the flow. Even if SPAG errors were corrected, I'm not sure how structured the story would be. I recommend an editor to specifically look at comma-related issues, as this was definitely your weakness.

CHAPTER ONE

- So in the first chapter, Summer sighs....a lot. Okay, only twice, but it was still one too many. Don't mention the same action within such proximity.

- Also, most of chapter 1 is a huge info dump. There was excessive information presented, which quite frankly, the reader does not need to know. If it doesn't contribute towards the plot, or add enjoyability/humour, I say cut it. Summer can't sleep. That's all we need to know. The reader doesn't need to know that she has the day off. You can present that information later, perhaps when morning arrives. But it just felt like info dumps.

- There were also a lot of 'buts,' which again felt like clusters of info. Spend time working on important factors of the plot, rather than adding unnecessary info and rushing through it.

ALL CHAPTERS

so just chapters in general..

- I know I'm mentioning sentence structure a lot, but sentences took me aback... and not in a good way. Don't get me wrong, the plot was very creative and you have some good ideas, but you struggled to efficiently put them on paper.

WRITING STYLE

As much as the flow wasn't the greatest, I did like your approach to scenes. Your approaches to certain instances were pretty deep and thought-provoking. If this was structured better, you could have a very successful book on your hands.

FLOW

So here I'm expanding on why, exactly, the flow wasn't the greatest. Your scenes needed a bigger balance of dialogue, and it would be beneficial to add some description. Pacing factored into the flow as it was just way too fast. Take your time in scenes. I have re-written a little insert, so you know what I'm talking about.

Original: She ran down the steps ignoring the looks the men were throwing her way, she dashed out of the pub and stopped only when she was a good distance away from it. She smiled to herself hugging the bag close to her chest before breathing in a breath of relief.

Edited: She tried her best to navigate between misplaced stools and grubby men, shooting glances at her.

"Sorry," she murmured as she pushed past a beastly guy who looked like he could kill her with his bare hands. She legged it. Pushing open the door to run into the damp, cold air. Anxiety built up within, and she was already panting. But she could not stop now. She had to make it to a safe distance.

CHARACTER INTERACTION

It was not very realistic. One second, Noah is practically attacking Summer, and the next he is letting her go. Summer doesn't even think to call the police and then allows him to take her to a bridge which low-key suggests she wants to end her life, yet Noah sees no problem directing her there, even though that sounds like a potential giveaway. I know that was not Summer's intention, but realistically if someone asks for the nearest cliff, and then an unsafe bridge, jumping to conclusions like that would be necessary. Also, they don't use contracted forms in dialogue. Perhaps this is okay for Summer, considering she comes from a wealthy estate, but for Noah, it was a tad unrealistic. I think the main issue I had with this, was Summer trusting Noah so easily.

NAME

I know this is a little nit-pick, and I do like the name summer. But for an heir to the throne, I'm not sure that 'summer,' would be the most appropriate. Perhaps if used as a nickname, but I'm not sure if this was suitable.

OVERALL

Although I believe this novel could do with quite a bit of improvement, it was enjoyable nonetheless. I loved witnessing Summer and Noah's progression in their relationship. I wish you the best for this novel and hope you are able to improve it :)