Aphrodite Reviews

twenty-one | love story

Book: Our Disconnected Love Story

Author: Ammaspet

Genre: romance

COVER

This wasn't very appealing. I do recommend something a little more attractive. The font wasn't the best, and the image looked stretched. If you struggle with covers, I do recommend using a graphics shop. Make sure you find one with designs you love and if you need any recommendations, let me know <3

BLURB

This did need some extra assistance. I loved the way it started, I think it was very eye-catching. However, sentence structures weren't great, it was too long, and grammar needed polishing. Instead of listing all the mistakes, I'm going to rewrite this for you, so let me know what you think.

The phone is ringing.

Tanvi's body shakes in fear, unable to face him let alone hear his voice. She longs to run from the present, but she is unable to escape her past. 5 times he has called her. 5 times she was given the opportunity to tell him the truth. What happens when she finally picks up?

Tanvi, an excelling student, decides to subtly attract her crush through a series of phone calls. After battling initial rejection, they form a budding romance... or so it seemed. What happens when the truth comes out?  A twisted truth that will forever haunt Tanvi. How cruel she was to play with one's heart. And now she must find a way to fix it.

So when comparing the initial to the edited, there are some major changes. I stuck to the storyline, but shortened it and added more suspense.

GRAMMAR

The errors are way too extensive for me to list, and if I did list them all, I would have to rewrite whole chapters. I do recommend getting an editor. There are some here on Wattpad, which you can fill forms for. For this review, I won't be giving edited versions, as I feel it would be pointless given the grammatical issues in the book. However, I will list some points to remember.

Firstly, I noticed you didn't leave a space after commas or full stops. You need to make sure you are doing this, as not only is it grammatically correct, but the presentation looks neater on a whole.

Also, remember to capitalise names. E.g. 'sam' should be 'Sam.'

INFORMATION

There was way too much backstory given. As much as developing characters is a brilliant thing to do, try not to go overboard. For example, you can just say that Sam is leaving school soon and so there is not enough time to impress him, rather than having a huge info dump.

PROLOGUE

I think you had the right idea here, however, I do wish the execution was a little better. You started with a good opening line, which managed to hook a reader.  However, again it falls to grammar, it didn't make sense.

Original: So now we were doing a big crime, me and sam (samyuktha). We have decided to sneak into our school office room to get his number,my crush,our senior Rohan.'

Edited: We were committing a crime. No, before you jump to conclusions that I'm a mass serial killer, I can confirm I am not. I'm just your average, desperate teenager, looking for my crushes number. Hey! Don't judge me, we've all done it before. It doesn't hurt to try, even if that means risking being busted and sentenced to life in prison. I'm joking. The worst punishment I'll get is expulsion, which, now that I'm thinking about, doesn't sound too bad. At least it'll save me from all the embarrassment if I get rejected...yet again.

I snuck into the school office with Sam trailing behind.

Okay, so instead of handing information dully to the reader, I have made the para sound far more engaging. Also, in the original, you told rather than showed. You simply stated Sam accompanied Tanvi. However, in the edited, I have shown it through a scene. By applying this principle to other areas of the book, I think it can be very successful!

PACING

This was pretty rushed. I really think you would benefit from expanding and feeling out your scenes. Don't be afraid of exploring them. It is far more important to do this than to move along with the story. As long as you're not moving too slowly, developed scenes are always a plus. I also felt that some scenes could be cut. Re-read the novel, and look for scenes or info that adds little/nothing to the plot.

OVERALL

This book definitely has potential. However, it does need quite a bit of polishing up. As I said, I do recommend an editor as I really think this is what you need. Even with an editor, you do still need to work on expanding scenes. You have the story structure and plot, and now you just need to develop it! I really hope I get to witness some progression. Good luck on this novel <33