Aphrodite Reviews

thirteen | his gem

Book: His Gem

Author: BlueSky71874

Genre: Romance/teen fic

BLURB

Firstly, there were many apparent errors in the blurb.

Original: 'being a fragile hurted person in this cruel world is tough,'

'hurted' is not a word. It should instead be replaced with,' hurt'

However, even if the word 'hurted,' was substituted for, 'hurt.' I'm still not sure if this is the right language choice. Perhaps try something like:

Edited: 'being a fragile, innocent person in this cruel world is tough.'

I wish I could correct all the mistakes but unfortunately, I would not be able to do so without rewording most sentences.

LANGUAGE

So there are a few instances where you used the wrong language choice:

Original: I growned as the sun rays entered my room disturbing my beauty sleep.'

Edited: 'I groaned as the sun rays entered my room, disturbing my beauty sleep.'

'growned,' is not a word and I believe you were looking for, 'groaned.' Also, a comma should be placed before, 'disturbing.' Also:

Original: 'I slid my bagpack on my shoulder and left the room.'

Edited: 'I slid my backpack on my shoulder and left the room.'

SPAG

This is an area that needs to be improved upon. If you need assistance in editing, I recommend using an editing shop, which you can find on Wattpad. If you need any suggestions, feel free to ask <33

Original: 'Ahnjong car was parked...'

Edited: 'Ahnjong's car was parked...'

It is possessive so therefore needs the apostrophe.

Original: 'Ahnjong has been my best friend since last year I moved to Star High.'

Edited: 'Ahnjong has been my best friend since last year, when I moved to Star High.'

Without the 'when,' the sentence does not make much sense.  You also wrote:

'he works really hard in a bakery as a baker.'

Specifying that he is a baker, is not necessary as the reader can grasp this information without. Maybe refrain from giving away too much information that lengthens, but does not add, to the plot.

Original: 'She didn't judged me for being poor or intovert...'

There are two things wrong with this sentence, regarding tensing.

Edited: 'She didn't judge me for being poor or introverted.'

I'm gonna note a few more bits, but please remember that these are not all mistakes as otherwise, this review would be extremely long. I think you understand where I'm coming from in terms of grammar, and now it's up to you to either fix it yourself or use an editing shop xx

Original: 'He is an eighteen years old boy who lives in our neighborhood. He is a complete jerk and the most disgusting person I have ever seen in my whole life. He has been harassing me for an year now.'

Firstly, it should be 'eighteen-year-old boy', without the 's.' Also, 'an,' should be substituted for, 'a.' 'An' should only be placed before a word that begins with a vowel. However, 'year,' begins with a constant, and therefore you should use 'a' :)

A final mistake is:

Original: 'He probably didn't expected such a harsh response from a girl.'

Edited: 'He probably didn't expect such a harsh response from a girl.'

Again, this is another problem regarding tensing.

CHARACTER INTERACTION

I'm not sure if this is the most realistic. I'm saying this as the protagonist literally gets sexually harassed and yet you seem to brush over the scene like it was nothing. There was no initial shock despite unwanted attention, and it rushes to the next scene where they drive to school. Perhaps consider adding character dialogue or actions that reflect this situation later in the book. Carefully consider how your reaction would be to being sexually harassed and compare it to what you have written. However, now that I think about it, perhaps you were trying to signify the normalisation of sexual harassment in society.

One thing I really liked regarding characters, was the relatability. This is an engaging and important aspect of a book. It can really aid in keeping readers!

There was a constant reinforcement of Areum being introverted. Although I'm not the biggest fan of how this was presented, I liked how it emphasised her character traits. I just wish instead of directly telling the reader, this idea was presented through scenes.

PACING

I felt this was a little rushed. Multiple scenes occurred in the span of a couple of chapters and I was pretty confused. I recommend developing the plot and trying to get that smooth transition between scenes. If you want to look at some examples of books that showcase this, just PM me as I have read A LOT of books lmao, so I think I'll be able to recommend a good one :)

OVERALL

This book was extremely enjoyable and I got a very good read from it! However, it does need quite a bit of polishing up. Despite its flaws, you still managed to craft an extremely engaging book that left me wanting more. Remember, your writing will only continue to progress <33 I wish you the best of luck love xx