Aphrodite Reviews

fifteen | alluring abyss

Book: THE ALLURING ABYSS | KIM NAMJOON FANFICTION

Author: Ana_2504

Genre: Fanfic

TITLE

I loved this so much! I thought this was so intriguing, and a nice way to lure readers.

BLURB

I loved the concept so much, especially how you interlinked the title within it. However, it does need some work. The introductions of the two characters weren't structured the greatest. I would restructure sentences like this:

Kim Namjoon, an aspiring artist by heart, a mere employee by the job. He had wanted to let go of his dreams, but he didn't. For something lit up inside him. Four letters enough to give one the will to live...Hope

Shin Yuri, an independent girl, who will never allow anyone to break her. No matter how excruciating her past was and the future will be, this girl has remained strong. With a ravishing personality, she can easily sway someone's heart.

Honestly, there wasn't much change from the original to the edited. However, I do feel the version above is easier to read and flows better. Of course, it is up to you whether or not you want to edit your blurb, I am just voicing some ideas that I believe may be able to aid your writing :)

LANGUAGE CHOICE

I'm just going to note a few changes in vocabulary that I felt could be beneficial to make changes to:

'It was a day just like everyday.'

Hearing words that sound so similar, in such proximity, can sound odd and/or disrupt the flow. I would recommend changing this something like:

Edited: 'It was a day just like any other.'

I feel this flows better on the whole, whilst still portraying what it needs to. If you are adamant about keeping the original, separate the word 'everyday,' into 'every,' and 'day.'

Original: 'She shoved her book off the bed and buried her face on the pillow kept on her right...'

Edited: 'She shoved her book off the bed and buried her face in the pillow kept on her right...'

Original: 'Well, I don't know till when I can control and hide my feelings for you.'

Edited: 'Well, I don't know how long I will be able to control and hide my feelings for you.'

The original does not make grammatical sense, and so I had a hard time trying to figure out what you meant.

SCENES

I found scenes so fun and enjoyable! However, there was one scene that felt quite rushed. One minute they are texting someone, and the next they randomly start crying about their mother. Perhaps give a prompt to these emotions, instead of having them come from nowhere - or if they do come from nowhere - consider slotting this in elsewhere.

CHARACTERS

I say this so much, to so many authors, but I can not stress this enough!! Show, don't tell! Instead of giving paragraphs of information, make the reader aware of this through scenes. I felt that character descriptions were slotted in randomly as if you did not know where else to put it (even though I know this is probably not the case.)

Another note was that character interaction was not the most realistic. You have written:

"Why's my house a mess?" she thought.

Think about how you would react in a situation like this - I would immediately panic and fear that someone has broken in. I also didn't feel her reaction after was too realistic either. What I like to do is play the role of the characters, putting myself in their shoes. When I imagine myself in that position, I find character portrayal is almost always so much better!

One thing I did like was that characters had distinct personalities that I could pick up on. However, as I have mentioned, this was mainly through telling - and so I would have loved to see a variety of techniques used.'

DIALOGUE

The actual dialogue itself was good. However, the structuring was a little off. A new speaker calls for a new line. For example, you have written:

Original: 'Can't believe you just started drooling," uttered a deep and husky voice. "There you are, Mr.Kim Namjoon." she retorted.

As you can see, there is not a new line, and you have done this a couple more times in this paragraph alone.

Edited: "Can't believe you just started drooling," uttered a deep and husky voice.

"There you are, Mr.Kim Namjoon." she retorted.

WRITING STYLE

I think the writing style was very unique, and I loved it! The text messages were very fun when incorporated into the book, and added to overall enjoyability. Your writing really has that special something, and with some polishing up, I think this book can be very successful.

TRANSITIONS

The transitions between scenes were SO perfect! Time skips worked well and I felt it was very smooth. In particular, the time skip in chapter 3 was lovely. There was a huge difference in the mood of each scene, which meant character traits were even stronger. It really puts emphasis on a demeaning/cold manner or a caring/loving one.

OVERALL

I would say this book definitely is a good read, I just know that it can be so much better! I recommend using editing shops for grammatical/language issues, and consider taking a look at the portrayal and development of scenes. Seeing as you already have a nice structure to the story, editing can really help heighten levels of success!