Aphrodite Reviews

seventeen | better off on my own

Book: BETTER OFF ON MY OWN

Author:_thasli_

Genre: short story

COVER

I am not a huge fan of this. The font isn't ideal and I think it would've benefited from being clearer. However, I do like the position of the girl. It suggests a girl hidden beneath a veil, cowering in fear. I'm not sure if this was your intention, but it appears pretty meaningful.

BLURB

Wow! I was not prepared for that! I liked how the title, cover, and blurb all interlinked. The figurative language presented in the blurb was extremely enjoyable and I really felt a connection with the words!

LANGUAGE

Original: 'eyes from here and there made her insecured than she already was.'

'Insecured,' isn't a word. Perhaps try something like:

Edited: 'eyes from here and there only added to her insecurity.'

Original: 'She faked a smile as she was burning up inside as the thought of whether she would do something was running on her mind.'

Edited: 'She faked a smile, burning up inside at the thought of whether or not she would do something ran on her mind.'

The above is just a suggestion to improve the original. The issue I had with the original, was the overuse of the word 'as.' Even though it was only twice, having it in such proximity can disrupt the flow which is why I recommend changing it to the edited. Even if you don't want to change the original, I recommend inserting commas to break up the sentence.

Original: 'Your room is so good.'

Edited: 'Your room is so nice.' or 'your room looks amazing!'

I have never heard the word, 'good,' heard to describe a room before as it doesn't really make much sense. Lastly:

Original: 'I'm saying what I have been longing to say Alishba.'

Edited: 'I'm saying what I have been longing to, Alishba.'

This sentence can be shortened, and again avoids the proximity of words that are the same/similar. Most of the language errors/issues I acknowledged in your book, were ones like these. And so I do recommend reviewing them and thinking about how to shorten sentences or make them flow better.

GRAMMAR

Original: 'He was taking her away from all those loud music.'

Edited: 'He was taking her away from all that loud music' or 'he was taking her away from all the loud music.

Original: 'Who had spend a good amount of time in there.'

Edited: 'Who had spent a good amount of time in there.'

This is an issue with the tensing. You have gone from past to present so make sure you are being consistent with this! There were also several other mistakes regarding tensing, but I wont get into depth about that as it would make this review pretty extensive, and I am by no means an editor.

Original: 'Alishba blinked her eyes for a fraction of second.'

Edited: 'Alishba blinked her eyes for a fraction of a second.'

Original: 'woke up from dream'

Edited: 'woke up from a dream,' or 'woke up from her dream.'

So these were apparent errors - not all of them. However, there were quite a lot of missing commas which I felt didn't aid the flow. Commas are very important so make sure you are accounting for them!

PLOT

The plot was literally amazing! It had so much depth to it and was very thought-provoking. I think a plot like this is relatable to many, especially in cultures.

MESSAGE

The message behind this story was so beautiful. It is only a short story, and therefore I hope everyone decides to give it a chance. Although the book can do with some polishing, the message is amazing and one that everyone should see!

CHAPTERS

Firstly, let me just say I loved how you introduced chapters! It was extremely engaging. Now, I just wanted to address the difference between the first and second chapter. I felt the second chapter was lacking when compared to the first. Writing style significantly decreased in originality and most sentences didn't make grammatical sense. I'm not sure what happened, but I recommend editing the second and third chapters. You showcased your talent in chapter 1, and so I know you have the capability!

OVERALL

This book was amazing! The figurative language is so lovely. I would recommend fixing any grammatical errors, so the book is up to its best standard. Overall, this was an AMAZING book and I am so grateful I got the opportunity to read <3