(Repeat Mad at You by Noah Cyrus)
Zhavia's Of View
Tuesday
December 23, 2016
I knock on his door, immediately I hear him. "I really don't want to talk right now." I can hear it in his voice, he's upset... he's spiraling. Am I even sure I want to be in a room with that? I take a deep breath before speaking up.
"You're worrying your parents Gray." He doesn't say anything, it's just straight silence.
"Can I come in?" Yet again I get nothing. At least I get nothing for a while. "I don't think that would be a good idea, just go enjoy what's left of the party Z."
"Whats wrong?" I ask hearing him scoff, I would too if someone asked me that. He and I both know there are so many things wrong. "I don't want to talk to you Z. Thanks for the truck, but just go home or something." I don't get why he's the one sulking he has to everything, he's getting everything.
If this was a game... he would be the winner.
So why the hell is he the one acting like he's just so fucking hurt?
I take a deep breath before twisting the door knob. It's locked, there's still one more thing I can try. I go to Ethan's room opening the bathroom door. Once I get here I don't even have to open Grayson's door to the bathroom. It's already open making this even easier. He's on the side of his bed, his feet on the floor.
His head is in his hands, his elbows rest on his knees as he looks down at the floor paying no attention to me, not even able to see me. I look around his room, it's a complete mess. Everything is everywhere, the only spot in the room that has yet to be touched is what would have been my side of his bed, the stuff on top of the nightstand, my stuff is still in place and all.
What is wrong with him?
I step into his room, walking over stuff, I stand right in front of his bed. "What is all this?" He doesn't even flinch, he doesn't even move he just keeps looking down. "I told you not to come in... and now you're judging me."
"I'm not judging you, I just don't understand. Okay I don't understand why you're so upset." He just shrugs finally beginning to look up, he stares straight ahead at the wall, not looking at me. "Because everyone is acting like nothing happened, like everything is just swept under the rug." He turns his head finally looking at me.
"Is that not what you want? For it to be like nothing happened? Your parents don't know Grayson, everything should be okay for you. You get the luxury of acting like nothing happened. Take it." He furrows his brows confused, like he doesn't know why I would say that. "Take it? I don't want it Z. The last thing I wanted was to come back home to a party. A party where we sit around the table and they tell me how proud they are of me. Telling me how they hope I'm okay, a party where you come here acting like Ethan is my replacement." I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
It's not like I want to rub it in his face that I have feelings for Ethan. I do have feeling for E and I'm not hiding them, but I'm not cruel I'm not flaunting them, I'm just exploring them I owe it to myself to do that, I owe it to Ethan.
"He's not your replacement, I'm not replacing you Grayson. I'm moving forward, we didn't work. We were fooling ourselves."
"So you're just going to move forward with my brother? My best friend Z, I know I treated you poorly and I will never forgive myself for that. I will always love you, probably more than I have ever loved anyone. Still you could move on with anyone Z..."
I just shrug, I know he's right. I don't have to dive in head first with Ethan. I know that, but this is what I want. It's what makes me feel like everything isn't completely fucked up. It's what I'm going with. I'm focusing on my own happiness.
"I see how it looks Grayson, I see how shitty it makes me look I'm not blind. I just can't keep focusing on how things might make you feel anymore. For months that all I did and you never once did the same for me so why should I-"
"Z that's all I did, it's all I do. Even before we were together Z. I protected you from douche bag guys. I protected you from rumors, I've gotten in countless fights for you. I have always thought about you and your feelings." I shake my head to myself, everything is about perception. Yes it looks like he did all those things for me, but I'm not blind anymore. I'd be dumb to stand here and believe he was always doing that for me.
"No Grayson you thought I was pretty so you scared every guy I have ever looked at away. Some of them just happened to be douche bags. You got in those fights because when guys didn't leave me alone like you told them it made you mad. And it sure as held made you mad when I didn't listen to you and sit still and look pretty. You never thought about my feelings, you barley even listened to me. Every time we had a problem we'd just fuck it out. That shit wasn't healthy Gray!" I take a deep breath, I didn't mean to raise my voice I just needed to say that, to get it out.
"You and I both know that's not true Z. I see you for everything that you are and I love you for it. But whatever right? Tell yourself I treated you like shit from the beginning. Tell yourself whatever you need to feel better about going for my brother." If he's trying to get me to feel bad, he's doing a terrible ass job of it.
"You're right, I'll just tell myself the same thing you told yourself... you know, when you had sex with Julissa." His look goes from upset to guilty. I didn't even know if it was one hundred percent true, but now I do. "She told you?"
"No Grayson she didn't, neither of you did. Clearly neither of you were going to either."
"Because she and I were both drunk off our asses. She and I both feel like shit Z. What happened with me and Julissa is not the same as what's happening with you and Ethan." I swear I can see tears starting to form in his eyes. I quickly move to his bed taking a seat beside him.
I caress his cheek looking him in his eyes. "You don't have to explain yourself." I shrug he looks at me confused, probably as to why I'm not pissed.
"I was just hurt, she and I both were. We were full of regret Z... I was thinking about you.." The pad of my thumb glides across his cheek and I move closer to him...
Slowly, my hand moves from his cheek to his chin. My thumb grazes across his bottom lip as I move closer to his lips.
I begin to whisper...
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" The same words he yelled at me as he choked me that night. He looks at me lost, not knowing what to say. I drop my hand from his cheek letting it fall before pulling away and getting up.
I step over the things on his floor getting to his room door. I unlock it but before I look back at him saying one last thing before I leave.
"Don't worry Gray, I'm not mad. We both know I could never truly be mad at you."
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I woke up and you guys beat the over goal SO QUICK Lmaoo. Don't worry too much about the goal though. I'm still going to put out at least two chapters a week. If you guys hit the goal I'll just post more than two. Like I'll try to post every time you guys hit the goal on top of the two that I'm posting.
LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
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