She didn't say anything and just urged me to continue.
"I feel like shit because I did this. I started this." I laughed, "but you know, I gave him everything before.. I gave what I could. I loved him so much that even if it hurts, alam ko wala akong pinagsisisihan." I said, the side of my lips twitching.
"Do I still have the right to be hurt?" I sincerely ask her.
"You're only human, Ree. The choices that you made, hurt him and you both. But it doesn't mean that you're the bad guy here. You made your choice and I couldn't have been prouder of you and Kevin for what you've achieved over the years. Don't invalidate your feelings like this." she reached for my hand and squeezed it, reassuring me.
I sighed, "When Kev and I were together, I feel like I'd lost something because I gave him everything that I could, panahon ko, effort ko, pera ko.. siguro hanggang sa dumating na lang sa point na pinili ko na lang rin isakripisyo siya para naman sa sarili ko because I can't compromise with his goals and mine. I would've hated myself if he could as easily exchange his career for mine three years ago. I was so ready to fight everything for him. But when I heard his conversation with his dad about him leaving, I lost it. If I chose to be selfish and let him come with me.. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if he went to New York at that time. That is at least the one thing I wouldn't regret." I smiled proudly while thinking about the night he received his award.
"And that's okay. You've had your share of pain and I know that. You struggled just as much as him as you climbed your way up to the top. Naaalala mo pa ba? Just how many times did you twist your ankle while perfecting your walk? Kung ilang beses kang nag-timping hindi kumain ng mga cravings mo? And just how you didn't stop even when you were sick and fainting?" she looked back and I smiled.
"Just how much information did you get out of Jean?" I laughed. I can't believe this woman, monitoring my movements when she's on the other side of a continent.
"She just fell for my charm." she shrugged smiling and continued, "You only did what you thought was best so don't go blaming yourself for something you can't change." she said.
And she's right.
"Thank you for saving me when I was close to losing it." I sadly smiled again. "Thank you for always understanding me."
"Always." she smiled.
What would I have done without her? I can't thank her enough.
After that conversation, I urged her to tell me all about her honeymoon. My heart is beaming for my best friend seeing her happy like this. I have Mike to thank for that. Happiness and fulfillment was written all over her face as she was telling me stories.
All the while... there I was wishing I could also be that kind of happy someday.
She agreed to accompany me to the race track after our lunch. She didn't want to but I did a little convincing of telling her that I'm down and I needed to let off some steam so she agreed unwillingly. I applauded myself as she can really be stubborn when she wants to.
I changed to a racing suit and I'm behind the wheel within minutes. I need the speed to clear my head.
Maraming nag-kakarera ngayon dahil may paparating na tournament next week, I saw a poster of it on the sides of the field. Si Andy naman nag-aantay sa pit. I told her I'll do a hundred laps but she negotiated and settled for fifty dahil nga raw naghihintay na yung asawa niya sa bahay. Sana all.
I started my laps and damn, the speed and adrenaline certainly sets my nerves on edge.
KEVIN
I watch her speed up on the track in no consideration of how she overtakes every car ahead of her. She still hasn't changed, she still races it out whenever she's stressed. I didn't guess that she'd be here, I'm not a fucking psychic and with the situation with the media, I can't go around looking for her without Carlo carrying a leash.
Chapter 51
Beginne am Anfang
