still friends?

thirteen

TW: Self-harm (in detail), suicidal thoughts, and homophobia.

a/n: some of you wanted it to get dark and some of you didn't, so I did what I wanted...oops

Also, I'll bold the first and last words of the self-harm part so you can skip if you want.

I love you.

What now?

I grabbed my phone, dialling Skylar's number.

"Where are you?" Sky answered eagerly.

"I'm taking a day off. Can you tell Mr. Liam I'm not feeling well today?"

"Yeah of course. Are you okay though?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm good," I lied.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything, love you."

"Thanks, Sky, love you too."

I hung up the phone, letting out a sigh of relief. Mr. Liam is a really cool teacher and he's usually really understanding when students have to miss a class. I always get my work done on time so he should be fine with me missing today.

Slowly I stumble my way out of Billie's bed and walk into the kitchen, hoping to find something to eat.

"Morning Millie," Patrick greeted me from the breakfast nook.

"Hey, sweetie. You want some of these pancakes?" Maggie asks me as she's placing a stack of pancakes into a plate.

"Yea," I smiled, "Why'd you make so many?" I questioned.

"Finneas and Claudia will be here in a few minutes."

"Oh," I nodded, "I'll eat with you guys but I have a few things I need to work on today."

"Sounds good," Maggie smiled, "How are your parents? I haven't seen them since you were in the hospital."

I sat down across from Patrick and stared at my lap, picking at my nails. "Umm, they're fine I guess," I mumbled.

"Morning" Finneas greeted as he and Claudia walked through the back door.

"Good Morning," Maggie smiled, walking over to the couple to embrace them in hugs.

"Hey Millie," Claudia sat down beside me as Maggie was speaking to Finneas.

"Hi" I sighed, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"You okay?" She whispered.

"Mhm, sure" I hummed.

"We can talk later." She wrapped an arm around me. I nodded as Maggie and Finn carried the abundance of pancakes to the table.

The four of them conversed, talking about anything and everything as I tuned them out. It felt like I was in this constant state of worry, the same ringing of yesterday playing on a loop in my eardrums. Once I finished eating, I carried my plate to the sink and walked back to Billies room. Picking up my phone I decided I'd text Cameron. He deserves to know what's going on. I don't know where he stands when it comes to the LGBTQ+ Community but it can't be worse than my parents.

Cam

Hey, can I talk to you?

Yeah, what's up?

Just as I was about to begin a text, pouring out my feelings; there was a soft knock on the door. "Come in," I answered.

"Hey," Claudia smiled, closing the door behind her.

Claudia fit into the family like a puzzle piece when Finn started dating her. Because I'm basically always here, I got to know her right away. We've become pretty close and I know I can always rely on her. She is one of the best listeners and always knows how to give advice. Her advice is different than Billie's, It's a little more mature and thought through than Billie's. But with that being said, Billie will always be my number one go-to.

She laid down next to me on the bed and I set my phone down, once again staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've been staring at ceilings a lot lately.

"Want to talk about what's going on?" She asked in a kind tone.

"I kinda feel like I can't," I admitted.

"I understand that," she sighed.

"My parents are just..they're being assholes and I can't go home."

"Millie, they love you. Whatever it was, I'm sure they did it out of love."

If only she knew what happened, she wouldn't have chosen those words, but she did. And with that choice of words, my eyes began to fill with tears. I'm so fucking tired of crying, I need a goddamn break.

"Claudia," I muttered, "I just need some time to myself," my voice cracked.

She sat up and looked at me with serious eyes, "Are you sure?"

I nodded my head with glossy eyes. She nodded her head and put her hand on my shoulder, "If you need anything, Finn and I will be here for a few hours, okay?"

"Thanks" I mumbled.

Once she closed the door, I stood up and locked it, deciding I didn't want anyone else to talk to me unless it was Billie. I grabbed my phone and tried to come up with words to tell my brother what was going on.

Cam

I don't know if mom and dad told you but they kicked me out

No they didn't. The fuck you do?

I thought you were perfect

Shut up

Not perfect, just gay

Wait for real?!?

Yeah

deadass?

Yes Cameron I'm gay

good luck with that

Great. I quickly paced over to my bag, shuffling through it searching for the small zippered pocket where I used to hide my blade, hoping it will still be there. I used to cut sometimes but when I found out that Billie was struggling with it, it hurt me to see her hurt herself, and it hurt her to see me hurting myself. It was this loud tornado of hurt and I decided to stop for her. Eventually, she got better and we have both since been in a better mindset. But today, I'm done. I have no family. Billie is the only one and she's not here right now.

I sat down on Billie's empty floor, holding the cool piece of metal in between my fingers.

What the fuck am I doing? It's been years, why would I break that now? Fuck it.

I pulled up my sleeve, dragging the sharp metal along the sensitive skin. The initial shock only lasted a second before the beads of blood poured out of the wound. I did it again, now being able to properly feel the impale of the blade running into my flesh. I fell into a trance, doing the same action over and over again. 

I realized a tear rolling down my cheek that wasn't there before and a knocking on the door.

"Uh, yeah?" I shouted, grabbing a towel that was hung on the door.

"We're going on a walk, want to come?" Finneas asked through the door.

"No," I responded, hearing his footsteps walk away from the door.

I held the towel to my wrist, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. I definitely cut deeper than I meant to. Once I heard the back door close, I ran into the bathroom, running water over my wrist, watching the blood run down the drain.