For the Record// H.S.

RAINY DAY, SUNNY INSPIRATION

*There will be POV changes in the chapter*

*Slight mention of alcoholism*

WILLOW'S POV

It's currently four in the morning and I'm lying awake in my bed staring at my paintings littered across my walls.

It's weird to see how different lightings can affect how you see things and change the way you observe them. Makes you question how other people see the world when everyone sees it from individual perspectives.

Does the man on the moon see the world differently than the lady of the sun because of their differences in light?

Today is the day that the stooges, plus Harry, come over and I even went to bed praying that I could get a little bit of sleep, but my brain had other plans I guess.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep, but my brain never lets me rest. It tricks me into thinking I'm not tired because I have this stupid fear of falling into a deep sleep.

I never fall asleep for longer than two hours at a time, I always wake myself up before a nightmare can take over my dreams.

I want to be able to fall asleep for a whole night without having to wake up every other hour and be able to wake up in the morning perfectly normal. No panic attacks, no hyperventilating, no sweating, no painful crying, no shaking... just a normal morning after a good rest for once.

I started having panic attacks after the incident with my brother happened, it really fucked me up.

The nightmares that cause the attack are always different, but they always end the same- I find someone I care about dead or they get extremely hurt.

The last time I had one was over a month ago, but it was the worst one yet.

Mitch was the victim of my last horrifying nightmare and I had to ignore everyone that day. I was so shaken up about it and didn't want to tell anyone about the dream.

No one knows about the nightmares, I would feel too guilty admitting that I have dreams of my friends dying.

Never would I want them to know, nor would I want them to feel pity for me about having them.

Mitch is under the impression that I rarely get panic attacks and that I sleep through the whole night. I never told him how extreme it can get because I'm too scared to finally admit that because that leads to having to seek more help.

Sarah and Milo have no idea about the attacks and they'll never figure that out. It's embarrassing that I can't control my anxiety, but I refuse to get help because I know I wouldn't be doing it for myself, I would be doing it for my friend's sake.

I'm too fucked in the head to look out for myself. I'm too selfless and if I ever got help, I would need to convince myself that I deserved it.

I don't know how long I was lost in my thoughts and self-loathing for, but the sun started to shine through my curtains and I turned over to check the time on the alarm clock that I never used.

7:00 a.m.

Everyone decided that we should spend ALL Saturday together because it was supposed to rain all day.

Mitch texted in the group chat informing me that the love birds would be over around eleven and Milo responded saying he would be over around the same time.

I made sure to text Harry last night telling him that we all decided that eleven was when everyone was going to come over.

I texted him later than I thought, so I never got a response back before I turned off my phone to try and sleep.