Walk me through the dark

55

When Spencer came too again, he was alone.

Or at least he thought he was until he let out a groan and Morgan leaned into his line of vision.

"Water?" the other man asked, holding out a cup of water, a straw bent forward for Spencer to use. Spencer nodded, reaching his chin forward and smacking his lips a few times.

God he was so thirsty.

When he took a sip his eyes started to water, the cold water was a shock to the fire in his throat. It felt so good even though it hurt. He took a few more small sips before Morgan took the water away.

"Ok, I know you have questions, and it hurts to talk, the nurses said they had a rough time taking the vent out." Morgan noticed Spencer's eyes widen, "they had to vent you, you had OD'd and damaged your lungs, luckily they think you'll be fine now" Morgan paused, letting Spencer process the information.

"Now, Hotch is trying to figure out what our next steps are, the higher ups have caught wind in this-" Morgan noticed Spencers breath hitched, "but kid, we aren't going to stop fighting for you, we are going to get you help, your going to get better, and then get you back up to fighting shape. You were able to recover before, this time, but this time will be better because we all can help you." Morgan reached forward and put his hand on Spencer's knee.

" This doesn't need to be the end, you're not a failure, you can come back from this" Morgan's voice was steady and calm and it made Spencer only circle the edges of another panic attack, not quite dipping into it. It was almost as if Derek could read his mind, saying exactly what Spencer was thinking. It was almost unnerving. If this wasn't from Morgan, Spencer's skin would have been prickling uncomfortably, but since it came out of Morgan's mouth, it's almost as if the words were shrouded in, yellow.

The rest of the day consisted of tests, blood draws, painted whimpering from the young Doctor.

He hated hospitals, he hated that whenever his anxiety rose, he felt the chilled cuffs from the shack tightening around his wrists. He hated the harsh lighting and how it burned his eyes and made them water.

But what he hated most was the heavy weight of shame that settled in his tight chest.

The team reassured him that everything was going to be ok, that they would help him. But he still saw the shift in their eyes, How hurt and disgusted they were with him. He had let a disease control him, he had let himself give into a damn hallucation and back track majorly on all the progress he had made. He was so close to getting out, and now look where he was.

He hadn't mentioned the hallucinations, Morgan and Hotch suspected but they didn't know just how bad they where, how badly he needed to get away form them for a little bit.

He didn't mean to OD, he didn't mean for it to get this out of hand. His fists curled in frustration, why him? Why was he stupid enough to go alone in to that corn field. Why was he so weak that he was able to be easily taken and abused by tobais. Why did Tobais have to follow him out of that graveyard and into his peripheral vision, settling into the tunnels of his ears, the other man's sour breath permanently staining the back of Spencer's neck.

If only he couldve fought back, if only he wasnt so stupid as to split up from JJ, if only he could fire a damn gun and actually hit his target.

If only, if only, Spencer could send years thinking in circles, and his team had noticed his brooding and had started to work him out of it.

"Spence, I brought your chess board, do you want to play?" JJ had sat down on the chair next to the bed, pulling up a bag he recognized as his. She unzipped it and Spencer saw the edge of the board peaking out. He shrugged, couldn't care if he did or didn't play.

"Lets play" Gideon says, stepping forward and taking the board from JJ, he sets it up on the table that was wheeled over Reids lap before sitting down.

The two fell into a familiar silence, Spencer's hand coming up to push his fingernail against his lips as he thought. The rest of the team stepped out, following Hotch as he mentioned they needed to get some work done.

"Remember, think several steps ahead" Gideon muttered almost absentmindedly, "outside of the box" he watched Reid nod, the movement hardly noticeable unless you were looking for it. The two focused on the game, the soft clicking of the pieces on the board sounded with the beeping form the machines hooked up to Reid.