Adopted by the Sidemen

"I'm sorry" //TW

I had my CAMHS appointment today
i lied to her about something
i didn't want mum to hear
shouldn't have lied
feel bad
can't do anything about it

(I wrote this last friday, i still feel bad about it)

this could possibly be extremely triggering please read at your own risk.
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"So how's school?" Talia asked as Gee cut my chicken up, my hands too shaky from the panic attack to do anything myself. "It's- yeah good, yeah," I say still trying to lower my heart rate "Fave subject?" I furrow my eyebrows "History," I say without thinking "History? Not music?" I shake my head "don't take music talia" she nods in understanding "there you go pet," I smile lightly at Gee and pick up my fork "What are you going to do with music?" Freya asked starting to eat i shrugged "dunno, maybe put it on youtube or soundcloud, i don't know" I put a bit of chicken in my mouth and started chewing "You could post it on both, more traction that way" I nodded at her and crossed my legs "I suppose"

After we had all, and by all i mean the girls, finished their food i had eaten about a quarter of my food. "Head home?" Freya asked us and i nodded "I need to go to the bathroom first," They nod me off and i go to do my, business. "Ready to go?" Freya takes my hand as i walk back to them "yep" I say quietly holding her hand a little tighter.

Freyas Flat, 7pm

"Okay choose a movie, I'm going to change" Talia grabs the remote and starts looking through netflix. I quietly stand up and go to the bathroom to change. Walking in i open up my bag and immediately see them. No no no you're strong. you don't have to do it. yes- NO! no you'll not do it. I try to push the thoughts away but can't. I give in. 4 new, fresh cuts appear on my thigh.

1 for annoying Adam
1 for annoying Gee
1 for doing it
1 for existing

"Soph?" Talia whispers slightly cracking the door open "Sophie I know what you've done. Can i please come in? I won't tell freya" I sniffle and hiccup trying to get my words out "Just a quick yes if i can or no if i can't. I'm not going to push your boundaries i just want to chat and help clean it up," I don't manage to say anything but i just open the door a bit more "Fuck, why have you done this again?" She opens the cupboard knowing freya has a first aid kit in there, grabbing some of the gauze and using it to try and top the bleeding.

"I'm sorry," I mumble wincing as she applies pressure "I know you are, can you tell me why?" I shook my head "Was it because of what happened at the restaurant?" I don't do or say anything, allowing a stray tear to fall down my face and onto her hand "Okay, are you going to tell freya?" I immediately shake my head, "no" I say bluntly "and you won't either" I say lowly as she lifts the gauze to check if the bleeding stopped "Okay do you want to clean it or will i?" I nod to her letting her put the alcohol over the open wounds.

"You know," She takes a deep breath as she kept cleaning it "I love you so so so so so much, Freya does as well and Gee. Simon adores you, Vik loves you, Josh is so fucking happy because of you. I've never seen JJ care for someone as much as he cares for you, all of the guys care so much about you. Adam is whipped over you, you're gorgeous and amazing. You are so smart, and caring. Hell I could go on for years about how amazing you are. When Simon first told me about you," She takes a deep breath as tears well in her eyes "When he first told me about you, I couldn't hold back my tears. You've been through so much shit, you're fifteen. Yes that's made you stronger but you shouldn't have to be this strong at such a young age. I hate the people that did this to you, the people who made you think it was okay to hurt yourself. The fact that you've come from a broken home but you're so strong that is amazing and admirable. You managed to uphold such high grades and talent through such a tough time in your life. I'm so fucking proud of you babe, you're amazing. Will you please, please tell freya. She'd be broken if you kept that from her. You don't have to tell her why or even show her it, if you even just told her that you did it again that would make her feel better. Do you trust her?" I choke out a sob "Hey hey hey, what's wrong?" I shake my head and wipe the tears off my face 

"I feel like the worst person alive for doing that to you. I didn't know so many people cared, honestly. Any time people told me they loved me before it was fake. Gaslighting. No one told the truth to me. They lied to me, to social services, 'She's great, she just struggles with depression' DO I LOOK FINE?! I had to sit there and listen to the lies knowing what happened at my house, knowing about all of the bruises under my clothes. Knowing about how fucking disgusting those people were. Knowing that i hadn't eaten for days. Each and every time i tried to give a hint to CPS i was dragged away. Abused for trying to save my ass" My breathing quickens "Okay deep breaths hun deep breaths for me," I try to focus in on my breath while i feel Talia putting a bandage on my leg "Sophie look at me please, look that's clean and dressed. Can you put your bottoms on for me and i'll take you back to the girls," I nod still trying to control my breaths pulling on the loose fitting trousers and following Talia out to the living room.

"M'Sorry," I mumble hugging Freya "It's okay, you're trying to recover. I don't expect you to stop immediately. It's not easy, i know it's not," She runs her fingers through my hair "Was it on your arm?" I shook my head "Thigh" She nodded and looked at me "It's clean?" I nodded and she stood up "Wheres your bag?" I sucked in a shaky breath pointing towards the bathroom "okay now what are we going to do with these?" She points to the blades obviously sitting out "Get rid of them," I quietly say making the corners of her mouth slightly lift "done! gone forever. Is there anymore?" I hesitated but shook my head no "So if i asked josh to take a look in your room there would be zero?" I shook my head again "there's one. that's all" "Thank you for telling me, we'll get you some help" I lay my head on her shoulder and looked down to my thigh.

I'm such a dumb bitch

Okay hi hello hey
sorry for this sad chapter
i'm having ✨sad boi hours✨
Now did i lie to my CAMHS worker? yes.
Do i hate myself? Absolutely
have i had multiple panic attacks in the past week? yes
did i tell anyone? no

am i okay? lol no