I know we weren’t perfect But I never felt this way for no one
And I just can't imagine how you feel so okay Now that I’m gone
Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me
Because you said forever now I drive alone past your street
Jonathan knew better. He knew, so why? He knew Lin had a kid, knew that he had a wife, but why? Why, why, why?
Lin deserved Vanessa, and Vanessa deserved Lin, but he felt the need to be selfish. He wanted Lin too. Why couldn’t he have him?
He sat in the bathroom of their shared suite, thinking that Lin would probably be off, celebrating with his much beloved wife. His beautiful, caring, wonderful wife. Everything he should’ve been, but isn’t.
/
He was crying. He didn’t cry much. It… It just, it was always about Lin.
The tears fell gracefully, slowly, to remind Jonathan of the pain.
His mind was scattered, and he was getting really, really hot. Why did he get so sweaty all the time? He hated himself. Why couldn’t he be better for Lin. Did Lin not care for him? It got harder and harder to breathe, but somewhere in the back of his mind, a stupid, unrational voice told him he deserved it. He deserved it for not being good enough.
And, again, that voice spoke. Should he die?
No, he couldn’t actually, because even though Lin didn’t need him, Jonathan did, and he just adored that smile, and those lips, and his hair, and he was so small, but he fit perfectly in his arms, and it makes Jon think, were they really not meant for each other? Was he really not good enough..?
He whimpered. And he whimpered because how could he not. How could he not, when he felt so horrible. So incredibly bad, and useless, and… and not good enough.
He knew they were never perfect, but then again, he had never felt this way.. For anybody.
Was Lin okay? Was he really okay without Jonathan? Did he not love him? It felt so wrong, and now Jonathan was crying harder. He cried, and ceried, and cried, because without Lin… He had no value, and now he was alone, at 30 years old, crying on the floor of a bathroom.
He wanted to sing. Was he singing? He couldn’t tell. Everything was groggy, and all he could really, actually think about was Lin, and how much he loved him, how useless he was…
“Groffsauce?” Lin. It was him. Why did he sound sad? Was he sad?
He had to look up, he had to. He had to see Lin’s face one more time. And there he was, all smiles, and laughs, and God, he was so perfect.
/
Lin cried too. He cried a lot. Sometimes over little things, sometimes over big things. But he cried too.
He loved Vanessa. He also loved Jonathan. Both of them, he cried over.
Rushing down to meet Groff, he cried. He cried, and cried, and he didn’t know exactly why they were crying yet, he had an idea. The same idea that kept him up at night, the same idea he woke up to.
Love.
“I’m sorry, Lin.” Why was he apologizing? Lin wanted to apologize too. Why wasn’t he speaking?
“W-Why?” His breath was shaky. He was scared, he thinks. He thought.
“I’m never good enough for you.” It was a statement. Why? Why did he think that? He was so wrong.
Lin sat in his lap. It was comfortable. He took off Jonathan’s shirt. It was wet with tears, wet with hurt, it clinged to him, why? Why did Lin hurt him? He didn’t mean to, he swore. He swore he wouldn’t.
“You’re always good for me.” He was. He always was, with his toned chest, and perfect smile, and beautiful eyes. All for him.
“No, I’m not. Tonight's opening night, and I know I can’t celebrate it with you, because Vanessa will have you, I’m so sorry. She’s everything you need. She’s so much more than… than me.” Why did he speak so fast? Lin was here for him, he knew that, did he not?
“I came back for you Jonathan. I looked for you, now I’ve found you.” He was there, all for him. Her too, but him. Both of them, he cried so much.
“But why? Are you even happy with me?” He shook. Why was he shaking? Why did everything hurt. He just wanted to love Jonathan.
“I’m always happy with you, honey. I’m in love with you. I love you, and I’m sorry. Hey,” He lifted Jonathan’s head with his own, softly nudging, “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that I’m unfair to you, I hate it. I want to love you just like I love her. I love you so much.”
They cried, and cried.
“I’m in love with you too.”
“I’m not leaving.” And that was all he needed to hear. They would be okay.
