How The Bad Became Beautiful

Part 1

I sit at my computer, waiting for the phone to ring watching the screen so blankly that the only things I read are the tabs that are open your typical Facebook and shit nothing much entertaining the music playing on my Youtube I roll my eyes as my favourite song at the moment comes on "Cos it's you and me and all of the people" and I sit back on the chair taking in the night sky from my lightly lit bedroom and all I can think is if there is heaven what do the people up there do all night, do they watch us? No that's an everyday thing do they ever want to come back? Or are they just shadows that walk alongside us no matter what we do as the world doesn't stop turning just because someone or something dies no matter how much you want it to?

Sorry for the depressing opening let me introduce me I'm Raya-Leigh Bennett call me Raya or Raya-Leigh I'm really not fussy and for as long as I can remember things have never been simple let me bring you up to speed

When I was born my dad's told me this my mother had postnatal depression which always made me feel rejected and from the time I was a year old I remember a lot of arguing one comment stuck inside my head "I wish you and Raya wasn't here" from my mum a TV remote was thrown at my dads head and from then on I just regretted my existence on planet earth as I was only a baby and hearing your own parent say something like that can just crumble your world when I was 4 I learned to ride a bike Dad was in the garage and my mum was there cheering me on my dad had just gone into the garage to get some tools and he had taken an awfully long time to the point my mum had to leave my older brother Levi to look after me he was seven years old.

When I was left playing on my bike with Levi I remember hearing this loud piercing noise Levi held me back from running to my mum. My mum had just encountered the most horrifying sight ever to behold my dad was in the car, the engine had been running it was thick with the smell of gas my mum couldn't control herself she was a mess her heartbroken her sobs louder and louder and louder every second until I heard a scream "LEVI!!! LEVI!!!" Levi came running although he told me to stay put I stayed there scared and confused about what had happened?

Later on a neighbour, Simon had come rushing round with his wife Linda I heard a lot of commotion I didn't understand "Linda take Raya and Levi to our house I need to call for an ambulance!" shouted Simon "come along sweetheart" said Linda as she took my hand and I pushed my bike to the floor. 

I can't remember how long the wait for news was and all I can remember is my mum had so much on her plate that she was shaking like a leaf scared for my dad's life, mine and Levi's life and her own and how, if this was the end of my dad, then how was she going to tell us the wait felt long like if you could reverse the clock you'd have regretted every decision in life ever. It was the day that life held me back and I just wanted whatever was to happen just happen... eventually, the phone rang and it was my mum "Linda he's going to get better but we have to go for family counselling and he's going to the doctors" said my mum nervously on the phone, for everyone else it was a celebration for me it was the most horrible, most terrible day of my life and no amount of anything my mum, dad, Levi or the kindness of Simon and Linda will ever make up for what happened that day the confusion and I want to know... "Why Dad why? You put your wife and your kids through hell and for what your own selfish heart why weren't we good enough?" and that breaks me every time, so moving passed that my dad started to get the help we had family counselling but it was hard to sit there with some lady with the monotone "I know, I know, I know" we get you fucking know what advice could you have given us other than the fact we were a brokenhearted family Levi was the only person who I could look up to he remembers everything in blurs that from a light brown haired sad blue-eyed boy to the man he became.

Dad was put on antidepressants and we were left to our own devices nothing was ever simple. Mum started an addiction to gambling, Dad had problems with drink Mum would get angry they'd be at each other's throats sounds like the ideal house to raise your children in doesn't it guys?... NOT REALLY It was terrifying and every day I would wonder what I and Levi would come home to.

I remember the house being smashed up with broken glass, the smell of mouldy-month-old beer, the sound of utter screams of hatred but this still sticks with me I remember my dad and my mum had a really heated argument over something god knows what it was but something started it as Linda and Simon had checked several times that day as the argument had continued and continued and continued I remember at 12 years old coming in from school and there I found Levi picking up the main bits of glass before hovering the floor I look up at Levi and Levi couldn't give me that big brother look of "everything's going to be fine, I promise" as this had pushed him so far it was almost as if like he'd given up "Pack your shit darling I'll help you" shouted my Dad as he hurried my mother up the stairs grabbing her hair "fucking robbing pig!" "no, no, no" screamed my mum "well you leave me no choice Sally you're the worst wife in the world and the kids don't need to see what I'm about to do if you don't get the fuck out" screamed my dad with that my mum's eyes grew wide with fear to the point one of her ornaments was smashed over my dads head and he fell to the floor, Levi had gone upstairs and not to my knowledge had started a pattern of self-mutilation any glass Levi could find he'd have it secretly stashed away and I remember at that point that I didn't want to live there anymore.

A year later after my 13th birthday, I moved in with my auntie Dad's sister Mollie and I've been there ever since I'm a really shy teenager but I have very high hopes for my future. I remember one night sitting up with my Auntie Mollie and we wrote down a list of what I wanted out of my life "1. To get somewhere good in life have a steady job, 2. To be happy 3. To never allow myself to go through what my mum and dad had and 4 to just be Raya-Leigh" bit of a shitty shabby list but I want more from life than the sadness the depression and the whole ugliness that is my parents.